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[malboraslihangifs]

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[goldensunset]

they’re talking about responsibilities

[moviecritc]

june 18th ⋆ oscar piastri smau

pairing: oscar piastri x singer!reader

summary: everyone thinks that your new album is about break up and that you ended your relationship with your boyfriend

warnings: hate comments

a/n: i used midnights by taylor swift, it fits perfectly with the plot <3

english is not my first language, sorry for the mistakes

masterlist | wattpad | letterboxd

yourusername just posted!

liked by lilymhe, yourbff and 627,921 others

yourusername life is emotionally abusive... 💎

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user1 IS THIS REALLY HAPPENING?

user2 TEASING A NEW ALBUM???

user3 everybody stay calm GEWUIEORLGNFDSKVBGFDSFG

user4 FINALLYYYYY, it's been almost two years we miss singer y/n

user5 wait why isn't oscar in the likes?? 👀

yourusername just posted!

liked by yourbff, sabrinacarpenter and 923,531 others

yourusername 'MIDNIGHTS' out June 18th 🌙🥀☁️

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user1 sabrina, billie, girl in red and now y/n WE ARE BEING FED

user2 LET'S GOOO

yourbff ok i'm so excited <33

user3 THE COVER, THE MAN AT THE BAACK

user4 it's giving break up album user1 it HAS to be a break up album user5 the tracklist feels very sad

user6 GUYS WHERE'S OSCAR.

user7 this can't be happening rn

user8 JUNE 18TH COME FASTTT

user9 guys, guys, june 18. 18 backwards is 81, OSCAR'S RACE NUMBER

user10 OH WE'RE GOING TO CRY WITH THIS ALBUM

user11 wait but we saw them together past month, i don't think she could wrote the album so fast

user12 idc IT'S GOING TO BE A BREAK UP ALBUMMM

yourusername just posted!

liked by yourbff, landonorris and 941,645 others

yourusername Some pics from the making off of 'midnights' 🌙

ps. when should i drop the first single?

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user1 wait she looks so happy

user2 she's healing from tha oscar guy

user3 DROP IT NOOOOWWW

user4 lando in the likes??

landonorris 😍

user5 ok this is taking a weird path now user6 he has never liked any of the posts on yn in all these years AND NOW HE'S COMMENTING user7 ARIANA WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE user8 this wasn't in my 2024 bingo card honestly

oscarpiastri just posted a story!

[caption: ready for the weekend]

replies

user1 tf you think you're to hurt y/n user2 thank god you broke up with y/n, she deserves way better than this user3 not this guy thinking he could pull y/n user4 i hope you don't win any race for what you did to y/n

yourusername just posted!

liked by yourbff, oscarpiastri and 102,412 others

yourusername Sometimes all that a girl needs is terrorizing herself for 3:20 minutes. Anti-Hero mv is now yours 🌙🌙🌙

Writing and directing this mv was an amazing experience, huge thanks to all the crew that make this possible.

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user1 SLAY AND SERVED CUNT

user2 MOTHER

user3 it's giving tyler durden and the narrator ngl

user4 THE "EVERYONE WILL BETRAY YOU" SCENE?? OSCAR YOU'RE DEAD

user5 AND THE ORANGE IS ALL OVER THA MV (that is oscar's color team) user6 WHO TF THIS MAN THINK HE IS?? dude hasn't even achieve anything and has the courage to hurt y/n user7 FRR, i love him when he was supportive with her, but now? he better hide himself user8 oscar we're coming from you

user9 wait oscar is back in the likes

user10 he can leave honestly, we don't want him here

yourusername just posted!

liked by oscarpiastri, chappelroan and 193,523 others

yourusername I know the album drops in one week, but... here's the Lavender Haze music video. Starring me and @oscarpiastri 💐

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user1 this is probably the most iconic thing anyone has ever done

user2 NOW THIS IS HOW YOU BEAT ALLEGATIONS

oscarpiastri my girl, i'm so proud of you ✨

user4 COUPLE GOALS. COUPLE GOALS COUPLE GOALS user5 oh shut up you were hating on him two days before user3 the fact that LANDO had to interfere bc of all the hate to oscar

user6 i'm so happy for them 💜

landonorris i wasn't aware of that part of you mr piastri

user7 so it's not a break up album

user8 it's literally a love letter 😩😩

lilymhe you guys are the cutest can't wait to the album to drop

yourusername you're so sweet lily 💖 user10 i need them to be friends user11 PLEASE

user9 ugh i'm so lonely

oscarpiastri just posted!

liked by yourusername, landonorris and 543,023 others

oscarpiastri happy midnight release day for those who celebrate 💜

tagged yourusername

comments have been restricted

yourusername my everything 💜

landonorris booo go get a room

[ssreeder]

Heyhey :)

I don‘t wanna stress you but I just wanted to ask id you have any updates how the new chapter is coming along? I can‘t wait for it! (but take your time, I‘m just impatient)

thank you for writing this amazing fic! Byee

These kinds of asks don’t bother me at all or stress me out :) I don’t mind yall asking for status updates (as long as you’re nice about it)

((this is also just a me thing I know some other authors don’t like it))

it’s going good! Iroh & zukos talk is done FINALLYYYYY (7k) & we have Jee & Bato half done!

So all that’s left is Katara & Sokka / Zukka pov

so I’d say I’m halfway? But the hard part is over (looking at you iroh & zukoooooooo) it took me a while to finish that & life has been super busy. But I wrote half the bato pov (3k so far) in one sitting so…. The rest could wrap up quickly. Unfortunately, I think we’re still a week or two out.

I wish I could give you a few lines or something but I’m indecisive and idk what to pick sorry <3

[moxidi-fanarts-and-sketches]

FINALLYYYYY ALL DONE WITH THE INKTOBERS!!! ty everyone for participating<3

[imaginespazzi]

Finallyyyyy, chapter 7. I was dying waiting for it and now I'm already dying waiting for the next so I guess this week will be filled with rereading and rereading the whole fic until chapter 8 comes. Anyways here we go, thoughts on this one:

-Drew. Oh boy. I'm assuming we won't see him in chapter 8 since it'll probably be composed mostly of the day at the bar. The morning, then the bar itself, who ends up in whose bed; and you'll most likely add a lil flashback to something somehow relevant since you've done that for every chapter except 4. But so reunion in chapter 9? or 10? I don't know but I wanna see him reunite with Azzi and meet Stephie. Apparently he was irritated at Paige's decision to go to the GSV, the Drew from 6 years ago probably would've loved and encouraged the idea, if he hadn't come up with it himself. I feel like the fact it irritated him instead shows he's learnt to live without Azzi and the Fudds now, but like Paige wonders if he has, might've still not fully forgiven her and Azzi for taking that away from him. As in, I think it took him a lot of time to adapt and if he's angry at Azzi, it's really only cause he spent so much time missing her, if that makes sense. So if/when we get their reunion scene, I'm expecting him to first be angry, maybe throwing certain questions at Azzi before breaking down. I wonder if Stephie knows who Drew is? That picture is on the stairwell clearly, but maybe she's never really noticed him. If not, I'm really excited to see her reaction to a boy she has no clue about, hugging and possibly crying in the arms of the woman who's probably a sort of sister/mother to him, her mother. Basically, I really want some Drew, Paige and Azzi scenes and Stephie's reaction to the dynamic of the 3; and some Drew and Stephie scenes.

-"But she doesn’t quite know this place, couldn’t tell you where to find the sugar or where the utensils were kept" this was just written beautifully in my opinion idk, just wanted to show some appreciation for it.

-"“They’ve all missed you, you know,” Tallulah says softly, “they try not to do it too much around Azzi but it’s always ‘oh Paige would’ve loved this’ or ‘did you catch that bucket Paige made last night’." They try not to do it too much around Azzi. I just wanted to add this because I think it sorta confirms my suspicions that they might however do it around Stephie. The first time I sent in some of my thoughts on this fic I mentioned how I don't think it's a coincidence Paige and Stephie share so much in common. Though I did say it's Azzi probably passing Paige-like things onto her daughter, I think Stephie's simply grown up in environments that scream "Paige". I think it's beautiful how much her and Azzi have affected everyone around them, not just eachother. But it's also scary because it is about the 2 of them at the end of the day and if they start living separate lives they take away a person important in others' lives too, as we see with Drew, or the Fudds like Tallulah pointed out. I just hope Stephie doesn't have to lose Paige, I know we're guaranteed a happy ending (or maybe that's what you want us to think) but I hope there's never even a small period of time where Stephie thinks she's lost Miss Buecks.

-"“you’re thinking about her mother huh?”" "“your daughter has you wrapped around her little finger huh?”" I'm just a bit shocked that Ruthie guessed she was thinking about the girl's mother, not father. I feel like people's first assumption is that you're straight, the majority of the world is, does Ruthie know Azzi and Stephie? Or does she know Paige? Was just wondering, I don't know, maybe her gaydar's just on point.

-"“No,” Azzi says at the same time as a profound “yes” leaves Paige’s mouth." Ok so nvm my past predictions Paige is still pulling and Azzi is still slightly pushing.

-"Olivia’s livid at Paige and Paige is livid at the stupid #Clézzi tag on tiktok." If they ended up breaking up but confirmed they were a thing you bet your ass you could never get me to use some other ship's #. "until suddenly she stumbles on a video captioned 'and at the end of the day she’ll still always be looking at her'." that's my video, future me posted that.

-"And she knows that if it was Azzi -she hates herself for even thinking this way- she wouldn’t walk away." it's giving me the same vibes as when she was telling Azzi how whilst on her date she kept thinking how Azzi wouldn't order what the girl ordered off the menu, how she would swat her hand away when she tried stealing something from her plate and end up giving it to her anyways, how they'd get yelled at at the movies for giggling too much, and how at the end she would've kissed her. Unfortunately for everyone else, I just think no one stands a chance, she's wrapped around Azzi's finger.

-"even if they were barely a shadow of what they used to be, it's only right that Azzi is still here." but it surprises me that on every flashback after their breakup they still seemed on completely good terms all these years, like why did they break up??? Just cause Azzi wasn't ready for marriage? I feel like something else happened in between but maybe not.

-"“we’re gonna do it together next time okay. You and me, we’re gonna be golden together.”" soo 2032 Olympics? Did they do it??? A year ago from the "present day" I feel like you plan on showing us a flashback in a future chapter but I'm dying to know!!!

Okk that's it thank you for blessing us with another amazing chapter as always and see how quick I was this time? -🪐

Please don't die friend I'd miss you :)

-Drew appearance soon but I'm not fully sure exactly when because idk if y'all have caught onto this yet, but I actually don't outline the whole story beyond just the beginning - middle - end, everything else is just ideas that I fit in when it feels right. The Drew from 6 years ago was a little boy who still held onto hope for his favorite love story. But with time, hope turned into irritation and missing Azzi turned into being angry at Azzi because sometimes that's the only way to deal with the hate. I'm very excited to write both Azzi-Drew and ofc Stephie-Drew.

-I remember that ask! Paige is so entwined into the Fudd's and Azzi's life that even 8 years later, you can still see the remnants of her in their life and that's what Stephie has grown up seeing so really it's not surprising that some of that imprinted onto her as she has a little bit of Paige in her.

-See this is my lovely fantasy world where straight isn't just the normal and I have no other explanation for it. Ruthie does not know Stephie or Azzi lol. I'd like to think 2033 we can avoid straight as the default lol

-I'm never shipping them with other people but as evidenced by some tweets in the last few days, I think other people absolute would ship clézzi lmao but pazzi truthers are still alive in 2033 despite the break up lol

-Unfortunately for everyone else, I just think no one stands a chance, she's wrapped around Azzi's finger. - yep exactly!

-I do love my flashbacks!

I'm very proud of you for how quick you were lmao!

[books-are-my-life-stuff]

FUCKING FINALLYYYYY

THIS MOTHERFUCKER EMPTIED MY GEMS!! I LITERALLY HAVE 0 GEMS!! LOOK AT THAT SCOUT POINTS!! THAT'S MADE OF PAIN, BLOOD, AND TEARS!!

EX-ed, 3/5, and 150 because I deserve a self-care to make him reach his game-breaking potential after all the suffering and anguish I went through to get him, dammit

I'm glad I don't have to choose anymore and can hold both Adaman and Irida's hands... Soon I'll be able to date him too after I'm done with Irida's lodge...

[clumsyclifford]

PS, any chance I could convince you to write some fluff to balance the sad bits you've been writing? I'm worried about the consecutive angst/emo/TW stuff you've created. (Are you okay? do you need someone to be there with you?) IF and only if you feel inspired enough, maybe a "surprise we got married in the middle of quarantine" Lashton fic where no - not even Malum - knew except maybe like 2 random witnesses? -🕷

spidey anon, pat yourself on the fucking back for somehow getting me to write fluff. really can’t explain that with anything except that it is probably affected by the sheer joy i feel from listening to music with cam for seven hours straight <3 anyway. this isn’t Exactly what you said but it’s not, like, NOT what you said and i was gonna write more but then i thought i’d just never finish it and i felt like you deserved something nice so i am just going to give it to you as it is hope you enjoy

-

Luke finally learns why Ashton’s been restless all week when he pulls out the ring.

“No,” he says immediately, before Ashton can even open his mouth. A look of confused distress appears on Ashton’s face. “I mean, not no. Just, like, no, you aren’t proposing to me now.”

“I one hundred percent am,” Ashton says, sounding exasperated and fond. “Shut up, don’t act like you weren’t expecting it.”

“I wasn’t expecting it!” That’s mostly true. Although it doesn’t mean Luke hadn’t been hoping. “But I don’t want you to propose in quarantine, how un-romantic is that? I can’t think of anything less romantic.”

“Nothing? At all?” Ashton narrows his eyes. “I could have proposed while you were in the bathroom. Just stood outside the door and gone hey, Luke, marry me?”

Despite himself, a thrill runs down Luke’s spine at the words. “Fine,” Luke says. “That would have been less romantic, but only barely. Come on, Ashton, it’s not like being engaged is going to change anything about our situation. We’re stuck at home together anyway.”

“Yeah, but,” Ashton says, “and hear me out on this one: I’ll get to call you my fiancé.”

Luke blushes. “That’s really nothing.”

“You won’t be saying that when I’m calling you fiancé,” Ashton says smugly. “Now if I could please get on with it.”

Luke sighs. “I could always say no.”

“Then you’ll say no,” Ashton says, shrugging. “And I’ll just keep asking.”

Of course he will. Ashton’s nothing if not persistent. To a fault, some might say.

“Alright then,” Luke says, trying to sound as defeated as possible to mask the giddy feeling filling his gut. “Go on.”

Even before Ashton starts talking, Luke knows that in no universe would he ever, ever, ever be idiotic enough to refuse a marriage proposal from Ashton Irwin. And he really wouldn’t even want to.

“Alright, well,” Ashton says, and Luke notices that his knuckles are white from holding the small velvet box, and his free hand is shaking. The steadiest grip of anyone Luke’s ever known, and Ashton’s hands are shaking. It hits Luke, the enormity of this question. “First of all, I want to say that I love you. I’ll love you if you say yes. I’ll love you if you say no. I’ll love you if you break up with me and go fall in love with — with Michael.” Luke snorts. “I mean it, Luke, I really will. Like, you’re it for me. I know that’s what everyone says, but you really are. I can’t even imagine — quarantine without you. Life without you.”

“Grim,” Luke says under his breath, and Ashton laughs nervously.

“Yeah,” he says. “Grim as fuck. I’m not going to waste all my words on this, because — well, for starters because you just said you’re planning to say no, so I’ll save my really mushy romantic stuff for when I know you’ll say yes.” Luke huffs an unsteady laugh. Ashton’s hand is still shaking, and Luke reaches unthinkingly across the table and clamps it between his own palms. Ashton gives him a grateful smile. “But also because you already know it. I don’t think I need to remind you of all the reasons I love you. I will if you ask, though,” he adds, and Luke smiles. “But mostly I think the beauty of a proposal is that it’s not as much about what we have been, but what we will be. We’ve both been here for our whole relationship. You know what’s happened. I don’t need to remind you. I’m just asking if — if you want to see what it can become. What more we can be.” He takes a deep breath, and Luke squeezes his hand. “So, Luke. Cards on the table. Will you marry me?”

And it’s cute that Ashton phrases it as a question, as if there could ever be any more than one answer. Luke swallows thickly. “Of course I’ll marry you.”

“Wait,” Ashton says. “Really?”

“Of fucking course really.” Luke comes around the table without releasing his grip on Ashton’s hand. “God, stop being nervous, Ashton, I’d love to marry you, I’ll marry you literally tomorrow if you want.”

“You were going to say no,” Ashton says, sounding dazed. “What — I really thought you were serious about that.”

“Ashton,” Luke says, falling into a kneel so he can be eye level with Ashton. “I am so ridiculously in love with you I think the only thing that could stop me from wanting to marry you would be actual death. And even then, I’m pretty sure my ghost would haunt you until we figured out necromancy.”

Ashton laughs; Luke recognizes the way his shoulders fall a bit, sees the tension drain from his posture, the stress evaporate from between his brows. “Oh, the fucking ring,” he remembers, and flips the box open, pressing it into Luke’s hand. Luke gazes down at the silver ring with a growing feeling of anticipation, something akin to impatience, if it weren’t accompanied by such elation.

“It’s so pretty,” he murmurs. “Understated. Perfect.”

“I thought you’d prefer understated,” Ashton says, pink-cheeked.

Luke draws Ashton into a kiss, wondering if he can somehow diffuse the warmth pooling in his chest before it grows too hot and burns him. Ashton twists his fingers into Luke’s hair, and they stay that way until Luke’s knees start to feel sore from the tile and he has to pull back. 

“I’d marry you tomorrow,” Luke repeats, breathless, and this time means it seriously. “Let’s just get fucking married, Ashton.”

“That’s the idea of the proposal,” Ashton says, freeing his hand from Luke’s hair but resting it instead on Luke’s shoulder, fingertips drumming against the back of his neck. “We can’t get married tomorrow. As much as I would love to.”

“Why not?” Luke challenges. “We don’t know when the next time we’ll be able to do a proper wedding ceremony will be. This pandemic could last another year, another two. I don’t want to wait a year to be married to you. I don’t want to wait a month, Ashton.”

“You’ve really flipped on this,” Ashton says. “Luke, our parents will kill us. Our bandmates will kill us.”

“Whatever,” Luke says. Adrenaline is racing through his veins, and love for Ashton, although if he’s honest with himself all of his blood is tinged with love for Ashton anyway, has been for years. Ashton is what keeps his heart beating. When he bleeds, it’s all love. “We can have a ceremony later, when it’s safe, I just want to be married now. My husband, Ashton Irwin. Doesn’t that sound good?”

“My husband Luke,” Ashton breathes, and Luke can see the moment he succumbs to the idea. A dry smile creeps across Ashton’s face, and he drops his forehead against Luke’s. “Luke Hemmings, my husband. God. Okay. Fine. Let’s get married tomorrow.”

There’s no stopping the grin that stretches Luke’s mouth ear-to-ear, nor the way a furious stampede of cows/horses suddenly makes itself at home in his stomach. “Getting married tomorrow!” he whisper-chants. “Mikey and Cal are going to kill us!”

“Lauren and Harry will end my life,” Ashton adds, mirroring Luke’s smile. “Your mum will have my head.”

“Oh, she will,” Luke says, nodding in agreement. “But I’ll just go, hey, mum, can you not speak to my husband that way?”

“Jesus,” Ashton says hoarsely. “That sounds so fucking good.”

Luke chews on the inside of his lip. “Might keep using it, then,” he says. “If you ask nicely.”

Ashton shakes his head, with obvious difficulty. “Get up, you absolute menace, we need to eat dinner still.”

“Fine,”  Luke says. “After dinner, then.” He smirks as he pushes himself to his feet, and Ashton swallows.

“Behave,” he says sternly. 

“I’m behaving!” Luke protests. “Why can’t I try and seduce my own husband-to-be?”

“Because we are having dinner,” Ashton says, rolling his eyes and pushing his chair out to retrieve their food from where it’s warming in the oven. “You can seduce me after.”

That’s a pretty fair deal, but Luke still pouts for another moment, because he has a reputation to uphold. “Hey,” he says, settling into his chair as Ashton brings the food out. “Does this make you the housewife? I feel like you do most of the cooking and cleaning.”

“I’m pretty sure that makes you the trophy husband,” Ashton returns, taking his own seat.

Luke snickers. “I can deal with that.” There are much worse things to be than Ashton Irwin’s trophy husband. That’s already a million miles above boyfriend. And frankly, any way Luke gets to be Ashton’s husband is perfect for him.

[aalissy]

Interrupted Meetings

Chapter 16 is done!! Finallyyyyy!! I've pretty much been quarantined lololol. My school shut down and we have online classes for the rest of the semester haha :D! So I should have more time to write yay <3. I hope you like this chapter! We get some sweet adrienette before more angstttt >:)!

AO3

With a happy hum and a bounce to his step, Adrien got ready as quickly as he could. Plagg’s bemused voice called after him as he walked into the bathroom, “You look happy today?”

“It’s because I’m not giving up,” he puffed his chest out proudly, smearing a hint of minty toothpaste onto his toothbrush, “Didn’t you hear Marinette yesterday? She likes me!”

The cat kwami rolled his eyes at the boy’s dreamy sigh, “I think you’re forgetting the part where she specifically stated that she can’t act on those feelings, Adrien.”

“No, I’m not,” he popped his toothbrush out of his mouth to point and speak to Plagg, “And if Marinette had said that she and Luka were soulmates or that she didn’t like me in that way, I would have given up. But she couldn’t say that! Which means some part of her might recognize that we’re the ones meant to be together.”

“Ah yes, fate and destiny, how could I forget?” the kwami drolled sarcastically, rolling his eyes again.

“No,” Adrien laughed, shaking his head, “I mean her soul might be subconsciously seeking my soul out. She might know that I am the one for her,” a dreamy sigh left the boy’s mouth as he gazed off into the distance. Shaking off the haziness, he resumed brushing his hair though a goofy smile remained fixed on his face.

“Is that really any different?” the black cat raised an eyebrow.

The model quickly changed into his usual clothes of the day before slinging his backpack over one shoulder, “Of course it is Plagg. Could you imagine how amazing it would be if Marinette and I could share colors together? It would just be perfect,” another content sigh escaped him before he smiled brightly at his kwami.

Plagg lazily floated over and swatted the daydreaming boy on the nose, “And what if you actually aren’t soulmates? What’ll you do then? Or what if you’re like Marinette and Luka, where you can only see one color?”

“Ow,” Adrien glared, rubbing his nose, “And I’m not worried about any of that. Even if Marinette and I aren’t soulmates, I’ll deal with it. But I still think we are... I mean how many people do you know that can fall for the same guy twice multiple times?! It has to be because her soul is telling her that I’m the same person! It wants us to bond!”

“Uh-huh,” the kwami crossed his arms over his chest, watching the lovestruck boy with a skeptical expression on his small face, “So, it has nothing to do with the fact that you have been going over to see and flirt with the girl for over a week.”

Adrien squeaked indignantly, his own arms crossing angrily, “That’s besides the point! Besides, I didn’t go over there to flirt with her! I was only trying to cheer her up!” he blew out a frustrated breath, “Why are you telling me this anyway? I thought you’d be happy that I was gushing about a girl who wasn’t Ladybug.”

Plagg seemed to pause for a brief moment, an odd look crossing his face before it disappeared quickly, leaving him to instead grumble at the model, “It’s all the same to me and I don’t want to see you get hurt over this again.”

“Aw, Plagg, is this your way of saying you care about me?” Adrien’s cheeks split wide as he beamed widely at his kwami.

“What, no? I just don’t want to deal with you getting akumatized. What am I supposed to do then?” the small, black cat’s voice rose before he poked the boy in the chest, “Besides, you’re all gross and mushy when you’re heartbroken. I don’t want to be left to pick up the pieces again. That’s Tikki’s job.”

“I think you care,” the model laughed once before holding his shirt pocket open for Plagg, “Now come on, we have to get going before we’re late... or Nathalie yells at us. And I don’t exactly want either,” he shuddered.

Plagg rolled his eyes before diving into his front pocket, poking none-to-gently on his chest as he squirmed around in an attempt to find a comfortable position. Grinning down softly at his pocket, Adrien happily skipped his way out of the room and into the kitchen. His eyes flicked over to the head of the table, wishing his heart didn’t give a sad, pathetic lurch when he noticed his father wasn’t there once again. Quirking his lips he took his seat before scarfing down the breakfast in front of him. Not for the first time that day did he wish that he was in Marinette’s bakery. The thought of seeing her bright smile and warm giggles caused his chest to flutter with anticipatory butterflies. Another happy sigh escaped him before he was even consciously aware of it.

“You sound cheerful this morning?” Nathalie’s questioning tone came from behind him.

Startled, he jumped in his chair slightly before offering her a sheepish grin, “Sorry, I didn’t hear you come in...”

Her arched eyebrow raised even higher before she shook her head once, handing him a piece of paper, “Your schedule for today,” she gave him a crisp nod before turning on her heels and marched away.

Adrien’s lips twisted, annoyed as he looked through the detailed scheduling of his life. His eyes shot to the front entranceway, wondering how close he could get to Marinette’s house before they brought him back. I bet if I was Chat Noir, I would be even faster, the thought popped unbidden into his mind before he glanced down at Plagg with a small smirk, knowing the kwami would never let him do that. Before he could utter the words to his transformation, however, Adrien’s phone buzzed quietly in his pocket. He pulled it out curiously, reading the short text as a stupid grin spread across his face.

Marinette: Hey! Did you have time to meet up so we could go over our project? It’s been a while!

Staring down at the text for a few minutes, his eyes slowly drew over to the contact information. A light frown marred his face as he looked at the formal, simple name for her that he had already. It was time to change that. With a simple shrug and a shake of his head, Adrien shortened her name to Mari before gnawing on his lip as he debated whether or not to add a crown emoji next to the smiley face he had already put in. Sucking in a quick breath he quickly added the emoji before returning to the message screen.

Adrien: Sounds great!

Mari 😊👑: Perfect! Feel free to come over whenever you can! See you in a bit!

With another dopey grin, he stared down at their texts before letting out a quiet curse. He hadn’t asked Nathalie if he could go yet! Pocketing his phone with a scowl, he began searching the manor for his father’s assistant. When Adrien finally spotted her at her desk, typing furiously away on her keyboard, he crept cautiously toward her. Stopping in front of her desk, he blinked innocently at her.

Nathalie glanced away from the screen and raised an eyebrow at him, “Yes, Adrien?”

“Is it alright if I go over to Marinette’s house to work on our project?” he beamed sunnily.

The assistant sighed, pinching the bridge of her nose before holding her hand out, “May I see your schedule?”

“Oh, right,” Adrien scrambled to hand over the slip of paper, feeling his hands tingle with anticipation as he did so. He swallowed a lump in his throat as Nathalie’s eyes searched the document.

With a final sigh, she handed the paper back to him, “If you leave now you have about two hours before your fencing practice.”

The model cheered, snatching the paper back from the lady as he practically wriggled with excitement, “Yes! Thank you, Nathalie!”

“The next time you wish to work on your project, let me know ahead of time so that I can schedule it in,” she stated pointedly before turning back to the screen in front of her.

Adrien nodded before rushing out of the main hall, dashing back towards the kitchen as he slung his backpack over his shoulder before running outside. Luckily, the Gorilla was already waiting for him and he shot his bodyguard a thankful smile before sliding onto one of the cool, leather seats.

The model bounced slightly in his seat with barely-contained excitement as they began the journey to Marinette’s house. He could feel Plagg bristling angrily in his shirt pocket but he still couldn’t stop the giddiness rushing through him.

Marinette had said that she liked him! Him! Well, maybe not this him... but it was still him. Adrien brushed away the small tinge of guilt and instead focused on the excitement racing through his bones. He was going to see Marinette soon! Sure, he had seen her just last night but his arms were already aching to hold the girl again.

When the limo came to a stop, Adrien practically burst out, racing into the Dupain-Cheng bakery as he looked for the designer. With a dejected sigh, he turned to the front counter and noticed her parents who were watching him curiously. Clearing his throat, he gave them a small smile, “Sorry but I’m here to work on the project with Marinette. Do you know where she is?”

“She’s probably upstairs waiting, dear,” Sabine pointed at the stairs, an almost knowing grin on her face. Adrien flushed faintly before turning to head up the stairs. He was stopped, however, when she called after him, “Wait!”

“Yes?” he paused on the first step, looking back at her with a small frown.

“Would you like something to eat before you head up?” she gestured at the array of treats on display behind her.

Adrien considered it, before shaking his head slowly, “No, that’s alright. Thank you, though,” he gave the two one last shining smile before turning back and heading up the stairs. Marinette was waiting for him after all.

When he arrived in their kitchen, he was immediately grabbed and yanked upstairs to her bedroom. Yelping quietly, he let himself get dragged by the surprisingly strong girl. When she had firmly shut the trap door behind them and began rummaging around her wardrobe, Adrien called out to her hesitantly, “Marinette?”

The designer simply ignored him, muttering to herself as she looked for something. He took a cautious step towards her when she whirled around, startling him once again. In her hands were two beautiful, light grey dresses, “Which one?” Marinette blinked innocently at him, as though she hadn’t just dragged him up a flight of stairs.

“I... uh... huh?” Adrien stumbled his jaw practically on the floor.

She giggled sweetly at him, rolling her eyes playfully, “I’m asking you which one you like more, silly,” she held up both of the dresses in front of her, twirling them around individually with another cute giggle.

Feeling his face grow warm, he managed to stammer out a reply, “I-I mean both of them look amazing... D-did you make them yourself?”

“Yep!” Marinette chirped, beaming brightly down at the designs, “So which one is better?”

Adrien felt his face light up even further as he thought about her request. She would look stunning in both of them and he was highly tempted to ask her to try them both on. Shaking his head against the thought of Marinette modeling for him, he turned to look back at her expectant face, “I-I don’t know. Which do you like more?”

She laughed, arching an eyebrow at him as a small smirk twitched at her lips, “You’re in the fashion industry and you can’t even pick out which dress you like the most? Come on, Mr. Model, make a decision,” she tapped his nose teasingly.

He ducked his head shyly before glancing up at her from his lashes, “You’d look pretty in either one, Marinette.”

The designer’s face softened as she cooed at him, “Aw, that was very sweet, Adrien. Thank you.”

“You’re wel-,” he started before he was cut off by her harsh sigh.

“But you’re still no help,” Marinette’s lips twisted in annoyance before she turned to put both of the dresses away, “I suppose I’ll just have to ask Alya her opinion later then.”

“Suppose we had better get started on the paper then. So I could at least be of some use?” Adrien chuckled nervously, scratching the back of his neck as she faced him once again.

Marinette beamed brightly, patting his shoulder once making his heart flip with delight as she gave a sharp nod, “You’re right! The sooner we get this assignment done, the better prepared we’ll be!”

He watched her curiously as she easily lifted the treasure chest in the corner of her room, placing it neatly down in the middle of the floor. She sat cross-legged across from him, a small grin forming on her lips before rummaging through her backpack, “So, I’m curious,” Marinette said as she pulled out her notes, “Why didn’t you bring up any snacks? I figured you’d at least have a couple of croissants.”

Adrien laughed, rubbing the back of his neck nervously again as he sat down, “Well, I got distracted, and I just wanted to see you,” he held his breath after uttering that last line, the words falling out of his mouth before he could snatch them back. He gnawed on his lip as he watched her facial expressions for any sign of anxiety.

Marinette’s eyes widened infinitesimally before she blinked, giving her head a small shake. Her eyebrow rose as she giggled cutely, “And that kept you away from one of your precious croissants? You must be really concerned about this project then.”

“Well it is worth about 30% of our grade, right?” he laughed off the awkwardness, pulling out his own notes from his backpack.

“Yuck, don’t remind me,” her nose scrunched as she stuck her tongue out.

Adrien couldn’t stop the adoring grin that was creeping onto his face as he watched her. Clearing his throat in an attempt to focus more on the project, he pulled out their outline, “I’ve finished our outline. I finally managed to get it printed.”

“Oh that’s great,” Marinette smiled, reaching out for the slip of paper, “I got Alya’s and Nino’s responses to our survey but we still need more people. If you know anyone who’d be willing to take it outside of our class, that’d be great!”

“Works for me,” he took a handful of the surveys that she was holding out to him, prepared to give some to the people working at his photoshoots later on.

“Yay!” she cheered, a wide beam on her face, “Once we get the results we can start drafting up our lab.”

Adrien chuckled, sliding the papers into his science folder before he turned to Marinette with a teasing grin, “You know, Marinette, I was really surprised you texted me this morning. I didn’t think you could wake up this early. Especially on a weekend.”

She gasped in mock-offense, reaching over the chest to shove his shoulder lightly, “Shut up! I can wake up just fine I’ll have you know!”

“Tell that to all the times you’ve been late to school,” he laughed as her eyes narrowed into slits.

“Well, I’m more surprised that you could actually make it today. I swear you do more in a day than I do in a year.”

“They’d have to drag me back kicking and screaming to keep me from seeing you,” Adrien shrugged before wincing, realizing that once again he didn’t think before speaking. He glanced up at Marinette whose mouth was slightly parted in shock and he grimaced before correcting himself, “I mean because we haven’t worked on this project in so long.”

The designer chuckled nervously, “R-right, yeah. Wouldn’t want to fail the project and have to repeat science.”

“Mhm,” he forced a grin, his eyes darting around her room for a conversation starter. When they landed on her sewing machine, he breathed out a sigh of relief before bounding over to it, “Working on a new design?”

“Hmm?” Marinette blinked at his sudden change in conversation before following him over to her desk. She leaned over his shoulder, her chin just barely grazing against the thin material of his jacket as she did so. Adrien’s eyes fluttered closed briefly before slowly opening as she spoke once again, “Oh yeah! I got inspired yesterday and started doing one of the designs I doodled. Do you like it?”

“It’s wonderful,” he breathed out, turning around to face her. The model blinked in shock as he realized how close their faces were in that moment. His heart practically tumbled in his chest and he backed up about two paces before bumping into her desk.

Marinette’s shining eyes stared up at him with an indescribable expression and his fingers itched to tug her into his arms. Resisting the urge, Adrien clenched his fists around nothing instead and was about to speak to break the sudden tension in the room when a phone alarm suddenly shocked them both. The girl in front of him gasped suddenly, diving away from him and towards her phone as he watched her disappear with a longing expression.

“Oh no, no, no, no, no! I can’t believe I forgot,” she muttered with a fierce groan as she yanked her phone out of her charger, “I am so, so late!”

He blinked at her in shock as she dashed around the room, plucking up a jacket from her chair before moving quickly over to the mirror. Adrien’s brow furrowed before he spoke, “What’s wrong? What are you late for?”

“I had a date with Luka today!” Marinette’s fingers smoothed her hair down as she nibbled her lip nervously, “And I completely forgot about it until just now!”

He wasn’t prepared for the fierce pang that hit his stomach. That should be him, he couldn’t stop the jealous thought, him reminding Marinette that she was about to be late to their date. Smiling at her as she finally arrived, panting at him breathlessly, tucking a stray hair back into her pigtails. Shaking himself out of the haze of envy that had overtaken him, he moved sluggishly over to his backpack. Slinging it over his shoulder, he managed a wobbly grin at the still panicking girl, “I suppose that means we’re finished planning our project then?”

Her head whipped over to him, her eyes impossibly wide and apologetic as she tapped her fingers together nervously, “Oh Adrien! I’m so sorry! I would never have invited you over if I knew I had to rush out like this! I promise that once we get our survey results we can work on the project for as long as we need too!”

Adrien couldn’t stop the small wince he gave at her words. His heart squeezed painfully and he sucked in a shaky breath of air before giving her a reassuring smile, It’s alright, Marinette. Really. Don’t worry about it. I had to leave soon to start fencing practice anyway.”

Her eyes softened before she was rushing the both of them out of her room, still calling out apologies over her shoulder as the two teens made their way downstairs, “Next time I will personally bake you ten croissants, okay,” she gave him a soft grin as they finally came to a stop outside of the bakery.

“No, it’s alright, Marinette,” Adrien chuckled, placing a hand on her shoulder to comfort her before giving her a teasing smile, “Besides I don’t think any normal person could eat that many croissants.”

“You’d be surprised,” Marinette glanced off to the side as a far-away expression entered her eyes, a silly grin spreading across her lips, “I think I know a guy who could probably eat two times that.”

He could feel heat enter his face at her words. Was she talking about him? Or well, Chat Noir? He shook off the small hint of embarrassment and tuned back in to hear her talk again.

“And thank you for being so understanding, Adrien. Seriously, I didn’t know I was going to rush out like this, so thanks again,” her lips brushed a kiss against his cheek before giving him one last wave as she began running away, dodging against the influx of people coming towards her.

Adrien sighed quietly, watching her take off with an overwhelming desire to follow after her. Fighting against the urge, he pulled out his phone, ready to text Nathalie to send the car to come pick him up. After he sent the message, he turned to look for Marinette once again, only to realize that he couldn’t see her. With another sigh, though this one much sadder, he resigned himself to wait for his driver.

[indieks]

Silent Treatment 🔉 Mark Tuan || Part.3

💭 Pairing : Mark Tuan x Reader

💭 Genre : Angst, Fluff, Supernatural-ish

💭 Word count : 24.9k

💭 Synopsis : Ever since his accident, he has forbidden himself from speaking ever again, as his voice hasn’t been useful the time he had needed it the most. Until he meets you, the one and only girl that could possibly help him overcome his trauma, as you make his heart and mind want to speak up again. You, who can hear his deepest thoughts through your special ability, yet still doesn’t see him as a desperate mute, but a mysterious man worthy of your care.

💭 Notice : The sentences written in bold are Mark’s thoughts, and when *written like this between stars*, it means the character can hear them.

      Part 01 🔇 Part 02 🔈 Part 03 🔉 Part 04 [END] 🔊

     💭 A/N : Finallyyyyy I’m publishing Part 3, I’m so happy! And as surprising as it might be (or not), I decided to split it into two because it would have been way too long otherwise...

I’m sorry to have taken that much time and I’m really appreciative of your patience, I hope you’ll like it as much as I liked writing it, even if I teared off my hair numerous times doing so...

As always : I would never pretend that I know about psychology and how to treat patients! Everything comes out of my pure imagination! And please, if you ever feel bad for any reason, reach out, you matter! ♥

Also, any comments, good or bad, are welcomed! I love your feedback, really! Thank you again and have a nice time reading!

Disclaimer : I can once again proudly say that the GIF is mine!

                 How come you could smell like pomegranate and raspberry when you had bathed in an aquarium filled with cigarette smoke and splashes of spilled alcoholic drinks for hours?

How come your hand on his could feel like a blanket of fire covering his own that had loosened its grasp on the parapet separating the both of you from a free fall?

And how come his other hand was moving itself towards your waist before it landed on your back and pulled you closer and closer, extending the kiss which was melting his lips that didn't seem to have enough?

Mark kissed you another time, his lips as soft as feathers, and as taken aback as you were by his sudden skinship that was crumbling your spine, you still kept your eyes closed and even allowed yourself to level up your hand on his neck to entangle your fingers in his sleek blonde hair.

No bad thoughts anymore ; just the distant buzzing of cars rolling down under your feet and the muted cheers of your friends wishing a happy birthday to Jena another time, mixed with some background dance music. Your headache was nowhere to be felt, because your brain had stopped functioning – or more accurately, it was focused only on managing your pounding heart that was about to implode because of the current events.

Suddenly, your mouth felt cold, the wetness his had left on it meeting the night's fresh breeze as Mark finally broke the kiss, slowly, his eyes opening to meet your flustered face that was still so close to his. You mirrored his awakening, your pupils at first looking down due to your sudden shyness, before you dared to stare at him. You were surprised that he hadn't pushed you away yet, his hand still against your back, and your right hand still lodged on his scalp while the other one on the barricade had now its fingers between his, as if they were holding each other.

Mark's breathing was shaking and really loud once again. You gazed at each other for a few seconds more, his hooded eyes searching yours, and soon your face betrayed your inner accomplishment, as you smiled. You genuinely smiled at him, before slowly retreating your hands in a wish to give him some space, but surprisingly, the boy swiftly caught the fugitive near his neck to place it on it again, giving you the chills and the crazy butterflies while your eyes opened wide. Then, without you seeing it coming either, Mark's head dropped heavily on your left shoulder.

"W-What's wrong? Are you alright?" you couldn't help but ask as you stumbled back, your eyes looking at his bent back now under them.

The sensation of his hair against your flesh was ticklish as hell, but you were willing to bear it just to be close to him, and just because he had definitely showed he wasn't on the defensive side anymore. Mark seemingly nodded – you deduced it by feeling his forehead rub your shoulder up and down – and he finally let go of the barrier next to you to properly secure you in his arms.

*I'm feeling… Weak.*

Mark's legs were indeed trembling and his head was spinning after this overflow of emotions and sensations, and even if you were the very trigger of the earthquake that was shaking him to the core, you were also a pillar he felt like he needed to hold onto, or else he would fall to the ground right now. So you hugged him back, smiling to yourself at his thought that somehow was cute, and you let him gain a bit more of consciousness.

Your touch was soothing him, the pattern that your thumb was tracing on his neck almost drifting him to sleep, and you closed your eyes too as you enjoyed this intimate moment you weren't sure you'd be able to share again another day, when alcohol would have left his body and mind.

*What did she do to me…*

"Does a kiss always put you in this state? You're worse than any high schooler!" you joked, and Mark's shoulders jumped slightly up and down, sign he had chuckled.

Maybe a kiss had weakened him, but it also had made him so soft and so reachable when he had been trying to dig some space for the last few minutes, paddling hardly away from you while you had swum to him against the current, without abandoning. Well, now, you could pat yourself for your determination.

The blonde guy finally straightened himself, taking a step back doing so, and he put his hands in his perfecto's pockets before looking at you while biting his lower lip. You felt empty not feeling his body against yours anymore, and your heart lost it once again as you were anticipating his next move.

But Mark felt more troubled than you, his mind paused and not helping him to decipher what he should do next, while his heart… Well, this bloody piece of shit was now craving to spend the rest of the night with you. Something he hadn't done in the past two years, something that should scare him or he should deprive himself of ; however, his fingers were writing something else on his phone right now – with a lot of drunk typos.

"I wanan go homee. I'm totallt donz. Come w. Me"

Wait. What?

"Are you sure about that?" your reasonable side suddenly manifested itself – where were you all this time?

Fuck, yes, he wanted to write back.

But Mark only shrugged as his eyes dropped from his screen to your face that was tearing all his usual defenses apart, and when it was enough to give him some unwelcomed chills, he – hardly – directed himself towards the windows he finally opened, popping the little bubble you both had been in, but like a lost fish you immediately followed him. He looked at you over his shoulder once you both had stepped in, before indicating by a move of his chin the little crowd surrounding your friend who was thanking everyone one by one.

As you caught him stumbling on his feet and walking far from straight to the door, you grabbed his arm before dragging him until you pushed him against the wall right next to the exit.

"Wait for me here, I'll be right back. And don't you dare leave" you warned, tapping lightly his chest with your index and with a frown of a disagreement, the mute slightly nodded so, without a second confirmation, you turned on your heels and stormed towards the guests.

"Y/NNNNN! Where were youuuu?" Jena exclaimed once she spotted you as you made your way to her, and she enlaced you. "Thank you, for everything, I love youuuu"

"Oh my God, and here I thought I was drunk" you laughed before kissing her cheek. "You're welcome darling. But I'm sorry, I came to tell you that I'm going, I have someone to take care of…"

Without further questions, Jena understood what you meant and as she also had someone to deal with for the rest of the night, she kissed you goodbye after having gained your promise to tell your quartet the whole sequel the next day.

Thankfully, the blonde hadn't moved from the spot you had left him in, his head dropped down and balancing from the left to the right, sign he was slowly drifting to whatever dimension the alcohol would take him to. Once you had approached him, you could almost hear him pant softly, his voice merely audible, but the fact that it was almost going out of his mouth drowned a wave of thrill on your body. You energetically took his right arm before wrapping it around your neck, and you were surprised as to how light he felt once he let his body weight lean against yours.

"Let's get you out of here, you're so hammered I swear" you laughed at him.

You weirdly felt ten times better just by looking at how much of a mess he had become after you had shared a kiss, because, on the contrary, it had invigorated you and cleaned up a bit of the alcohol filling your blood.

Mark sighed and he tried to straighten himself the second he heard you joke about his sloshed state, but the dark hallway under his eyes and feet wasn't helping as it couldn't stop waving.

*Shit. I'm ridiculous. C'mon Maaaaark!*

He was literally whining inside his own head, and you were two seconds away to burst out in laughter. 

                  You both made it to the sidewalk to catch a cab, which luckily you did, and after having a hard time sitting your partner in it, you breathed out loudly as you dropped your head on your seat.

"Address miss?" 

"Oh shit, Mark, type me your address please" you shook the boy a few times, but he was already sprawled against the passenger door, his eyelids closed with a lot of pressure as he was wishing to fall asleep.

"You gotta be kidding me right now. What's wrong with you? We need to take you home so don't be silly and give us the address!"

You jolted him another time with more force, before you quickly caught the impatient stare of the taxi driver in the rearview, and you smiled at him with the little willpower you had left.

"You don't know where your friend lives?" he asked suspiciously, his fingers tapping the wheel.

"Wait a minute please, I'm sorry" you pleaded as you killed Mark with your two eyes. "Mark, please" you pinched his thigh.

*Leave me alone!!!! I'm tired!!!*

"Ya! You're the one who wanted to go home and you're also the one who wanted me to come with you!" you protested, your forehead wrinkling as your brows leveled up to match your frustration.

You didn't understand. Why was he completely knocked out all of a sudden? Your concern was however stepped over by your anger, but as it looked like he was determined to play the baby, with a frown on his sleepy face and his arms crossed firmly, you reached for your own phone and dialed Jinyoung's number.

The very Jinyoung who was busy kissing and cherishing the curves of your friend right now, so of course, you ended up hearing his voicemail instead of his own voice. You sighed, and if the driver had been about to open his mouth in complain, he remained quiet as he saw you take action, your hands digging directly into Mark's pockets to take out his phone, and the latter didn't even budge, definitely falling in outer space.

"Mark. Your password."

The blonde barely opened an eye, and suddenly, a low grunt came from him, vibrating under his chest and freezing you at the same time. Had this really been a semblance of his… True voice? Had you really caught something produced by his vocal chords right now? Well, what confirmed you you hadn't heard voices inside your head was the driver sighing at the sound before he lightened a cigarette to pass the time.

"He seems in a very bad shape, your friend" he stated somehow sympathetically.

"That's why I need to take him home..." you merely answered in a desperate voice.

*I can't remember I can't remember I can't remember... Why can't I remember? What's wrong?*

"Tuan! Focus! Or else we're sleeping on the street tonight!" you warned.

*Oh would you shut up, I can't focus if I hear your voice... You're the one who's disturbing me*

Is he starting to blame me again?

His moans sounding like the ones of a child filled your eardrums, and you were starting to feel as tired as he was, except that it wasn't manifesting by you turning into a freaking corpse, but making you want to bawl your eyes out.

"How come you can't remember? You're so frustrating seriously! I don't know, is it a compilation of your favorite numbers? Hm? Or maybe your birthday? One of your friend's birthday? Or your mother's birthday?" you proposed in a rush before you were going to lose it, but you instantly regretted having mentioned his mom without considering how big of an impact it could have.

And it did. Because Mark's expression turned into a sad one as he slowly uncrossed his arms to take his hands out of under his armpit, before he showed you numbers with his fingers.

*Mom. How could I forget. Sorry...*

"1 - 3 - 0 - 2 - 1 - 9 - 6 - 3" you spelled discretely as you watched his counting and cautiously typed, and the phone did unlock, revealing a wallpaper of the boy at the age of 7 or 8, smiling brightly in his mother's arms, and the drunk you definitely let out a sob at the sight.

Mark reopened his eyes to spy on you quickly, disturbed by the sad noise you had just made, but luckily you were unreadable for the first time in your life, as if the picture and the password's meaning had made your heart squeeze, the little part of your brain that helped you stay conscious urged you to brace yourself and to stick to your original task : get his address.

You dialed the number of the first roommate that had popped up on the screen in alphabetic order – that is to say Bambam – but without further success, the never ending ringtone knotting your throat. You then tried Jackson, but it was worse as it didn't even ring.

"Ya, if you're in trouble and your friends are out to party, don't even try to contact them they're unreachable" you mumbled annoyingly, making the boy chuckle.

You didn't hear it as you were focused on calling Youngjae or Yugyeom, your last hopes for the night because Jaebum hadn't answered as well – how surprising by now.

Mark was totally conscious – well, pretty much conscious –, and if you happened to know that, he was sure you'd kill him. But every time he opened his eyes and they met your face, his vision became blurry and his head would float too high for him to follow and remain sane before you. 

So, he was unable to focus on anything but himself so he'd keep calm. Yes, he wanted you there. However, right now, he was helpless, every single one of his senses overstimulated and making him unable to think of his own address. The only thing that plagued his brain was your lips, your lips, and... Your lips. While smiling at your remark, Mark licked quickly his lower lip and he swore it still tasted like yours. An indescribable flavor he was craving to feed himself with another time, and he would have gladly helped you get to his flat sooner so he could do exactly that, but hell, he was feeling so weak.

*I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry...*

You eyed him worriedly as you had his phone next to your ear, waiting for Youngjae to answer. Your heart sunk to your stomach as you heard him apologize, thinking wrongly he was feeling guilty – once more – towards his mom for having forgotten his password, when in fact, he was apologizing to you for his lack of strength.

"Helloooo?" a chanting voice finally covered Mark's, and you almost cried of relief.

"Youngjae-ah! Help me please! I need your address to take Mark home! Please!" you urged him and the boy's joyful laugh managed to appease you.

"He's asleep already?"

"No, he just forgot it… I know, that's unbelievable…" you grumbled lowly as you looked out the window.

"Hyung forgot it?! That’s weird, it never happened to him before… I'm sending you a text! You're lucky to have chosen me to call!" Youngjae joked over the music.

Chosen was not the right word, as he had been the next to the last resort, but well...

"Thanks a lot, I'll owe you one!"

The driver finished his cigarette and he smiled at you, seemingly not pissed by the two plotzed messes he had in his car anymore, and once you received the freeing message, he started the car with your sigh as the signal.

"And you owe me one, seriously" you hissed through gritted teeth while staring at the blonde on your left who had crossed his arms once again and with his chin down on his chest, looking like a small creature in a deep sleep.

The travel was quiet, you fighting your sudden urge to sleep as the past situation had used up your nerves, and Mark apparently having fallen in a deep sleep as you couldn't hear his worries anymore. He looked so peaceful, his traits the most relaxed you had seen them up till now, and you couldn't help but stare at him without interruption, submerged by his beauty but mostly by how reachable he finally seemed.

In fact, you were once again wrong. Mark wasn't sleeping at all, his heart too busy running to let him rest, without mentioning his brain that was playing again and again your kiss scene. But as it evoked him anything except for bad thoughts, you indeed couldn't hear a single thing. He was feeling good and bad at the same time ; good because he was craving for more of this unfamiliar but comfortable sensation, and bad because you had sucked up all his energy for a while.

              Until you reached your destination. You hadn't felt nervous about going to his place, but as you stepped out of the car and didn't even have to help him as he paid the taxi driver and walked to the gate on his own, you suddenly felt intimidated. It was as if his little sleep in the cab had filled him up with all his usual straightforward attitude, and you followed him silently after having bowed an umpteenth time at the driver who discretely wished you luck.

But you didn't need luck at the moment ; you needed confidence, and it was nowhere to be seen. Mark held you the main door and even let you enter the elevator first without caring about your eyes full of questions. His own were shining again instead of being hooded, and he managed to open the flat's door at first try, making you more and more suspicious about his drunk state.

"Were you playing me in the car, and even before? Being a deadly mess and everything? Because right now you seem perfectly fine so let me doubt you for a second" you spoke up as you laid your back against the wall next to the open kitchen.

Mark ignored your questions, simply eyeing you over with his favorite non-existent expression once he reached the island, making you sigh. That guy was definitely a never-ending mystery : whenever you thought you were starting to understand one of his facets, another one showed up and messed up your leads.

He hadn't bothered to turn on the lights, but the huge bay window of the living room was letting the city lights tint the room in a pretty blueish tone, the color surely seeming more vivid thanks to the liquor sparkling in your veins, but it still wasn't as beautiful as the man you were facing on quivering legs right now.

He was gulping down one glass of water after another, with his back now turned on you as he mechanically pressed the refrigerator's button. Then, he offered you the last one, putting it lazily on the counter separating your two bodies, before he firmly crossed his arms.

"Thanks…" you politely accepted, and your hot body gladly welcomed the fresh liquid in hopes that it would soothe your overexcitement.

Mark was so close, and it was only the both of you in one room ; a huge one, yes, but still, there wasn't enough space for you to remain indifferent. Not after having kissed him. Not with him thickening the tension between the both of you because of his silent treatment. And certainly not under his two almond eyes that stared at you as you downed the glass in no time too, but your precipitation – and well-known clumsiness – caused the slide of two thin fillets of water from each corner of your mouth, rolling down your chin to your exposed neck.

*She doesn't even know how to drink. And here I am the drunk one? Seriously…* you heard him scoff to himself, a cocky expression disguising the few of his face you could see in the dark.

You ignored it as well as your embarrassment, wiping the small disaster with the back of your hand, still you caught the burning stare of Mark on your lips and wet throat, almost making you gasp.

But I find it… Attractive. Fantastic, Tuan. Wonderful, I'd even say.

Was it because it had been too long since the last time he had ever invited a woman over that his body suddenly died to fulfill some filthy needs the more he kept his gaze on yours?

He felt needy for your touch and his mouth on this humid skin, as deep down, he knew he wouldn't be satisfied by just a kiss this time. The air floating around your duet became constricting, and so did Mark's field of view as it narrowed on you and you only, synchronizing with his thoughts that had been punctuated by your name since the beginning of the party.

"You should answer my question. Were you faking it in the car? Because if you did, you're a dead man."

Your clear voice shook the blonde off his trance, and he rolled his eyes before talking in sign language as an automatism, without even considering your knowledge of it, his hands clapping together and tapping his chin and jawline, the whole process in an evident annoyed way. You indeed couldn't understand sign language ; you had never learned it, but luckily for you and unfortunately for him...

*I didn't fake it– oh my God that girl… I was really fucked up and about to die, you know that? And that's your doing, so don't complain!*

He hadn't pointed at you though…? You were too drunk to feel the guilt of invading your crush's privacy, but also to tell him the truth about you not getting the sign languages, and the boy didn't seem to be about to think of this huge probability anyway, as he simply shove his hands into the pockets of his jeans once he was done.

Had he really transmitted everything you had heard, or had you stolen another hidden element without him wanting it? And why the hell because of you? What had you done again? Was the infinity of blames going to start all over?

I should kiss you again and you'll see if you'd still want to be mad at me all the time, you thought to yourself as you defied his eyes which were throwing darts at you.

Mark's heart was pounding again, and hot flushes were overwhelming him. And like earlier, out of nowhere, he effectively felt angry. Angry to be staring at your lips and to be wanting them so bad right now. This thought was scaring him as well as it amassed a bundle of excitement into his stomach, flaring his guts, but also tingling his hormonals' instincts.

I need to stop, now. Before I do something stupid.

He suddenly shook his head and walked back to the living room, storming past you as he threw his perfecto on the leather couch, and he even unzipped his white blouse before putting it over his shoulder.

What is he doing?

You suddenly became tensed to see him undress even if no skin had truly been revealed, his large T-Shirt being the lone survivor on his upper body, because your primary instincts were also playing games with your reason.

"Where are you going?"

Mark stopped in his tracks, and if he had been about to showcase words with his ringed fingers once again, he finally remembered you used to communicate through texts and not sign language, but as he spotted his crumpled jacket on the sofa near you in which pocket the communication tool was, he sighed in defeat.

*Shit my phone is up there, what a dimwit...*

He became too lazy to go back and pick it up, but also to type a text correctly when his cells were hurting as they fought with the image of your kiss still lingering, so he barely indicated you to follow him without further explanations. His traits were perfectly detoured in the dim blue tint, and it gave you the chills as a few strands of hair fell on his eyes following his head's movement. You breathed in and out calmly once his face left the place for his scalp to take it, and you quietly followed him to his bedroom.

                                        *I'm hot... I'm fucking hot... I'm so hot...* he kept on repeating, and you were glad to learn that you weren't the only flustered one here.

His bedroom was cozy and quite organized, with black bedding and seemingly gray walls with some pictures taped on them, a wooden desk with only a few things covering it around his computer, but what caught your attention were the fluorescent stars fixed on his ceiling above his bed, making you smile at this somehow childish but cute decoration. Another aspect of his personality you wouldn't have guessed.

However, when your eyes detached themselves from the astrologic artwork, they dropped on his bare back right behind you, while he was digging into his wardrobe hastily. Your mouth turned dry at the sight of his thin composition but still traced arms, and you snapped your head back towards the bed on the other side.

Does he even eat? you questioned yourself as you had been more troubled by his small silhouette than by the fact that he was actually half naked in front of you – though your palms and forehead became sweaty.

"You could have informed before... changing" you finally noted in a low tone, and curiosity started to eat your insides and pull at your neck muscles so that you'd look back.

And you did. Nevertheless, this time Mark had turned around and you jumped slightly when you faced him, making the blonde snigger quietly with a smile full of mockery, but you had no place to be happy about him smiling thanks to you this time, as you were too shaken by his indeed traced but so skinny chest that was still bare, with a silver chain hanging around his long neck and dressing his apparent collarbones.

*As if you've never seen a guy's chest in a bedroom... Y/N the prude? My ass* he laughed at you internally, and the urge to kick his sassy ass filled up your veins, but when he extended his left hand with a pair of sweatpants and a T-Shirt in it, your crush for him fell for this kind of cute gesture and melted your irritation down.

"Where's the bathroom?" you asked in the most neutral tone you could use, your eyes stuck to the soft fabric you welcomed between your fingers before you forced yourself to level your pupils up so you'd get his silent answer.

Mark unexpectedly opened his bedroom's door that was at the end of the empty corridor, and he then pushed the one on the right as well as the light switch, and you were amazed by the size of the room but also its kind of luxury, making you gasp.

"We don't have the same standards, I see..." you mumbled in awe.

You disappeared behind the door without catching his amused reaction, but once he came back into his own room, Mark placed a hand on his heart and he even slapped himself, as his body was trembling all over.

*Brace yourself! Why are you like this around a girl? You look like the one who's never been in a room with one, huh? Wake up! Wake up!*

He stopped his lecture when he suddenly heard your chuckle, cutting through the deep silence hovering over the whole flat, and with furrowed brows, he finally pulled a tank top over his chest before dropping his jeans for a pair of sports shorts.

You came back in no time in the bedroom now plunged into a sifted ambiance thanks to his small bedside lamp, and as you closed the door behind you, you bit your lower lip so that you wouldn't laugh in his face. You apparently were putting him in quite a state right now, and finally the confidence you had wished for was flooding again through your body.

Mark got intrigued by your cocky smile and your eyes on him that were somehow betraying your inner sensation of victory, and he even took a small step back when you came across his standing figure, only to put your folded clothes on the desk next to him. The boy was completely overstimulated, as when your arm barely brushed his, he felt like an electric shock had attacked his flesh, dressing his hair and almost giving him a spasm.

"I guess we can't talk anymore because you don't have your phone, so let's just put ourselves to bed, you tired me I swear" you simply stated as you retreated, your face appearing in his sight again but closer than what he could endure, and Mark discretely gulped.

He observed you as you hurried yourself to the bed and pushed the blankets aside before sliding on the comfy mattress, getting your body the closest to the wall it could be. The second you lied down, the stars above your head spun slowly, reminding you of how high your alcohol use level was. Your heart became similar to a heavy hammer slamming against your ribcage, and your chest burned as well as it got covered with chills, as if you were a prey to a terrible fever. Well, you were quite intoxicated by the strong personal scent of Mark's clothes and sheets, a perfume that evoked you of a warm and comforting embrace.

The latter was still standing next to the bed, his brain on a full stop now that he realized you were actually under his sheets, and he felt even more distressed as he felt his eyes on you. Your curves suggested by his oversized clothes totally disappeared as you pulled the cover up till your collarbones, but Mark already had had the time to picture things in his head you certainly couldn't hear as they only evoked him good sensations, until he cursed himself for that.

You can't sleep in here, Mark. You don't want to be that kind of asshole. Do you? Wait, why not? *That's right, you just want her like that. True to yourself.*

A wave of panic and sadness hit you as you heard a strand of his thoughts, your hammer heart falling right into the pit of your stomach. You eyed him as he remained in the same position, and you suddenly wondered if you shouldn't rather sleep on the couch instead of right next to him. Why hadn't you thought of this more than evident possibility that his drunk self – and maybe true self as you heard – had invited you over just to… Sleep with you?

Not that it wasn't reciprocate at all on your side ; it would be a lie, and your thick and alcoholic blood could testify for yourself as Mark's lustful regards had made you somehow blush and had weighed your boiling fingers aching to touch him too. But you, on your part, had feelings for the fake-mute ; and your battered heart couldn't let you do the undoable tonight, or else it would be the one suffering from your apparently one-sided crush that would become deeper the second you'd give yourself to him.

"I think I should sleep on the couch, I'm sorry I shouldn't have-"

You hadn't had the time to finish your rant of excuses as Mark had taken his decision, quickly turning off the dim source of light before he put himself to bed at the other extremity of the mattress, his back turned on you, and your cheeks were similar to two cooking pans once again.

"I'll let you sleep now, I'm leaving."

*Oh just shut up.*

And your now seated self did.

And stay.

And it neither moved, at all. You started to fumble the sheets covering your thighs with your fingers as you felt uneasy about having been so at ease around him, so sure of your – wronged… – intuition. You blamed the alcohol for having made you enthusiastic about everything that had happened earlier tonight, and without a doubt inciting you to grant his wish for you to come. That wish heavy of innuendo you hadn't smelled, and that had led the both of you to this embarrassing situation, at least for you who knew his intentions now.

So that's what the electricity you had felt jolting between the both of you had hidden when he had deepened the kiss? So that's what he had meant when his hands had held your back so tight?

Alcohol and sex only, really…?

                    Mark had actually his eyes wide open and the side of his face leaned on his joined hands was burning them, sign of how fervently his inner war was pursuing itself. Those hands were aching to touch your body once more, and he couldn't forgive himself for being that primitive, as if he had turned into a wild beast on alert for the mating season after having somehow hibernated – for more than two years in his case.

It had been so long since he had wanted someone that bad, since he couldn't help but allow his desires to light him up, since he had went to bed without feeling lonely and anxious with a wave of dark thoughts crashing against his brain.

However, Mark still wished he could become sober in an instant, so that he'd gain his composure and stop his unholy wants that were taking over his whole mind. He wished to fight them and repel them deep down as he had been doing ever since the accident ; but it was you, and he craved to make love to you exactly because of this reason.

You were special to him, as only you had awakened a burning passion striking his core just by a touch of your lips, just by the way your fruity perfume had caressed his nostrils, just by matching his clothes so well. You had made him feel so good in a long time, helping him to forget about his inner pain, and feel alive again when he had been living like an emotionless being.

It was you, and not the other girls in whose arms the guys had pushed him into at their parties, hoping it would restore his taste in life. But the lonely man had always been blocked right before concluding ; he had hated how they had been looking at him with pity in their eyes, almost slipping into the shoes of a loose woman who would keep his frustrated self a little company and who would do him good for one night only.

But tonight, you hadn't looked at him that way. Tonight, he hadn't felt diminished, or pitiful in your eyes, not once. Tonight, your fierceness on the balcony had set him on fire. Tonight, it was you. However, did you feel it, too?

                     Mark guessed you were still sitting as he hadn't felt you move back to your original place on the left pillow, and even if his heart would have thanked him if he had ignored it and simply let himself drift to sleep in order to avoid his dangerous urges, his head full of you commanded him to at least care about your well-being, so he slowly rolled around on his other side until his eyes perceived your silhouette in the darkness.

Your two eyes were staring at the emptiness, glowing even if there were only a few rays of moon transpiercing the shutters to lighten them. Mark inhaled deeply as the need to feel you close stamped his chest down the second he laid his eyes on your body next to him, and he felt bad to watch you freeze into some cage of embarrassment you were obviously building around yourself right now.

You were more than embarrassed, and to be true to yourself, if you could have been alone, you would have already been crying. The souvenir of the kiss you had shared and the sincerity and purity you had received from it was crushing your brains as it ran over them again and again, and you felt like a fool. A fool for having thought you could make the difference in Mark's eyes, when you should have known he didn't want to let anyone in his heart anymore.

Sadness was drooling over you, as you were falling from high expectations his thoughts about you back at the party had built inside of you ; yet, you were realizing he had probably wanted to fill in the void for the night, and the nice girl you were had apparently seemed perfect for the job.

But why had everything sounded so true and desperate, as if the "she" in his callings had counted more in the equation than to result simply in a one-night stand? As if you truly hadn't been blinded by alcohol, or your own feelings?

  *I don't like it when you look like that…* you suddenly heard him grumble, but before you could analyze his words, Mark's hands grasped yours that were still playing with the blanket out of anxiety, and he strongly pulled at them to signal you to come back down under the sheets with him.

Which you did, after having jumped in surprise, as if his touch had taken control of your moves, preventing them from leading you outside the door as you had planned to do once he would have fallen asleep. The second you reached his eye-level, you felt his hot breath follow the line of your neck, but you didn't dare to turn on your side to face him, forcing your back to glue itself to the mattress.

His drunken brain was barely compelling his inner wants now that you were within easy reach, and it was losing the fight with the lustful virus which had plagued over it. So, suddenly, Mark took an initiative, as his hands went up and down your right arm in a light caress, but this mere touch was enough for him to exhale loudly as the sensation of your skin under his was driving him over the edge.

Nobody had ever had such an impact on him ; nobody had attracted him like a magnet in spite of his hard work at repulsing others ; nobody had ever seemed to call for his lips which audaciously got closer to your neck, almost earning a gasp from you.

"I know what you want" you breathed out right before he'd actually lend a kiss on your sensitive body part, your voice trembling due to threatening tears mixed with your frustration.

Mark got hit by a wave of fright – and maybe consciousness –, so he abruptly broke the skin ship, leaving cold the spots he had overhang, before he lied on his back too, and his shaking pupils drifted towards the fluorescent galaxy upon your two bodies.

"And I know I said I want to help you feeling better, but this… This… I can't" you confessed, your eyes staring at the ceiling as well.

*Was I that obvious? That's so shitty of me… I'm sorry I'm so fucked up… I'm so sorry…*

Silence towered over you and crushed your heart as his thoughts kept on leading you towards the same conclusion, an uncomplete but still hurtful one. You chuckled sadly and it was Mark's turn to sit slowly, a sigh leaving his tingling lips. You watched him comb his light hair madly in frustration while he sewed his mouth again, so that it wouldn't let whatever excuse on his mind slip out without his command. How could he justify his actions when he was barely admitting that-

I think I like her. Shit.

This thought set his core on fire and popped fireworks into his head, some bodily reactions that easily confirmed what he had dreaded since the day he had met you again. All his questions about his doings were leading him to this scary conclusion,

Or else I wouldn't feel that desperate, right? Or else I wouldn't have wanted her to come over, or else I wouldn't have cared about her at the party, or else that kiss…

Mark was too drunk to be scared of these usually forbidden feelings right now. Moreover, all he focused on was finding a way to make you stay and understand that yes, undeniably, he wanted more ; but not because he was the asshole his depressed-self wished he could be to save his ass, but because he had already lost face in front of you yet didn't want to lose you, at least for tonight.

But his options were around the number of… Zero. His phone was too far away, and he was scared that the second he'd step out of bed, you'd take it as a signal to leave too. His voice was muted, so he couldn't talk it out. He hated that his brain was being so slow, and he felt some pressure under the time passing through his fingers, and so were you pretty soon going to if he didn't do something.

"I think I should go" you whispered as you sat down too, but you were surprised to feel his warm grasp enclose itself around your forearm.

Mark didn't even acknowledge you, his head hung low as he was thinking hard with his damaged cells of a solution to the apparent misunderstanding he had put the both of you in.

"Mark… I think you heard me. I'm not going to give you what you want. Sorry if you believed that when I kissed you."

*I don't want that only, you're wrong… It's not like that! You don't know me…* he complained in an irritated tone, to the great pleasure of your ears.

"Stop lying to yourself."

*No, I'm not anymore, you don't understand for fucks sake* he got mad at your misinterpretation, his head shaking from the left to the right as he finally looked at you with all his might so that you'd read his honesty he wasn't burying anymore.

"Well I don't want to understand! What I want right now, is to go, because it's uncomfortable for me! I don't even blame you, so stop!" you retorted, forgetting about the protection of your secret.

*No, don't leave…* his voice turned weak once again.

A quiet sob swarmed at the back of your throat and you quickly grabbed his hand before wrenching yourself out of his grip.

"Stop it…" you moaned. "You've whined to me all night long, but I'm not some kind of lovely lady who's going to entertain you for the night."

You were about to take action and jump out at the end of the bed, but the man was quicker than you and before you even had reached a proper crouched position, Mark caught your two arms and sat you back down next to him, your shoulders banging one against the other.

You snapped your head towards his, and his sorrowful look gave you the chills, almost making you feel guilty to turn your back on him when he clearly was vulnerable and reachable right now, probably for the first time since the accident. Yet, you were determined to get out of this apartment without any regrets ; you could deal with remorse.

"Let me go, Mark. You're worsening-"

*Stay, please! That's not what you think. That's not what you think, I swear. That's not what you think…* he pleaded with his eyes, his brows knotting and wrinkling his forehead in concern.

His hands climbed up to your shoulders, somehow rotating your bust towards his and he kept saying no with his head while biting his lower lip.

"What can I do to make you stay?" he finally asked in sign language – his last resort actually – and you heard it without permission once again, as his head was now only bogged down with worries that were stressing him out.

You could have been smitten by his look that was locking your two pair of eyes steadily, or even by the trembling of his moves he repeated again and again, asking the same question untiringly ; hadn't it been for your heart screaming at you to go away before you'd finish in his arms and out of his clothes.

"Tell me what it is, if that's not what I'm thinking? What else do you want from me? Tell me!" you rushed him, your hands reaching up his chest to push him a few times. "Tell me, because I wish I could believe you right now, but I fear that I'm right!"

You were having the weirdest and unlikely conversation of your lives, but neither of you was conscious of how deep the connection between the both of you was, as the liquor in your bodies could depict anything as normal, even the situation where a girl is answering a mute's silent lines.

Mark let go of his robot-like combinations to comb his hair in the back one more time, a movement he also had mechanically performed in hopes that it would help him clear his mind, but when his eyes only dropped down in defeat at your words, you sighed.

"I'm sorry, I almost forgot that you can't. Well, actually we know you could, but… Anyway."

Then let me show you, he secretly braced himself as the situation of emergency kept on stimulating him.

"I'm leaving. I still hope to see you at the next session, because you definitely need help." you coldly concluded while his eyes leveled up to search yours, only to get killed by them immediately.

Let me show you!

Mark's panicked hands managed to seize your jawline before you could move away, and he slowly brought his face closer to yours, setting it on a passionate fire. He then allowed himself to lend his lips on yours, in the softest way he could when his heart was in a rush now that he was finally kissing you again, when his mind was still imagining fleshy sequels at the back of his head, and when his body was aching everywhere due to his restraint.

*I'm sorry that I want you. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.* But that's because… I think… I like you.

He broke the kiss, but as he caught the illusion of a doubt still veiling your traits and even heard your tongue clicking against your teeth in protest, Mark repeated the gesture more intensely.

He took his time, pressing with more force his mouth against yours which still tasted like he had expected it to do, stroking your cheeks in a tender motion as he wanted to treat you with caution and calm you down, and giving one kiss after another so that you'd feel the authenticity he wasn't able to word.

Soon, his body was overpowering yours as he kept on bending forward to intensify the kiss, and he dropped one of his hands to land it on the mattress as he tried to keep balance, meeting one of yours that had done the same. Finally, the left side of your back met the cold wall, tickling your skin with chills even through the fabric of his clothes.

You hadn't had the strength to push him away ; too fond of his touch, too drunk to react, and too desperate to steal the one chance to get a hold of his buried feelings and intentions you wished you were wrong about in spite of what you had heard. Mark retreated for the second time, a gentle sigh leaving his wet lips and which mingled with the hot fans you were fighting with, and you stayed frozen in your spot, staring back at him with defeat falling before your eyes like a curtain.

Like earlier, sharing a kiss with him had made you feel that something between the both of you was real, and that maybe, just maybe, you were more than a pastime to Mark, like he was more than a psychological case to you.

Believe me.

*I'm sorry that I want you that way. I'm awful. I know. I wanted to warn you about how shitty I am.*

I tried to warn you…

*But now that you're here, don't go. You told me you weren't scared...* he silently asked and to relay his secret wish, he took your clenched hand on your lap and brought it to his flushed face, before opening your fingers to lean in its palm.

He felt so worthy every time you were near, his emptiness whirling away the second you'd lay a finger or only your eyes on him, as if you were the spark he had needed to light up his inner flame, and the rampart around his heart preventing its broken parts from collapsing. Like a boomerang hitting him hard, all the time he had passed dodging the help and care of people was coming back at him now that he liked someone, and it made him seek for your affection.

His last words filling your eardrums got your heart stricken with culpability, and your already weakened mind definitely spun around to change its position as you saw him under a new light, with his eyes closed and his traits relaxed just as your skins met again, and it was as if your legs were nailed to the bed so that you wouldn't exit the bedroom anymore.

As he opened his eyelids, Mark saw you slowly nod in compliance, and he sighed in relief before he straightened himself to engulf you in his arms. His loud breathing brushed your hair, and you felt his fast heartbeat knock against your own chest as he tightened his embrace while your surprised-self just let him be.

*I'm sorry.*

I like you.

*I'm sorry.*

I want you.

*I'm sorry. Don't be scared.*

You wanted to believe he liked you back just as his eyes, his lips and his thoughts had told you and were still betraying him right now, burying the part of you that had been scarred and scared a few moments ago. So to soothe his apologies and worries that kept flooding in your empty head right now, you eventually hugged him back, your hands even stroking his spine that was standing out of his thin body.

You let yourself get carried away when he lied back down, extending his left arm so that you'd lean the side of your head on it, all the while gazing at him. He looked so peaceful and so sure of him now, splitting with his lost and tired image at the party earlier, and you welcomed butterflies flapping their wings within your stomach as he approached and hesitated to kiss you again, his eyes searching for your permission he quickly got as you got closer too. 

You felt his hands mingling with your hair and his tongue asking for entrance that you allowed, and you finally abandoned yourself to his tender kisses which even peppered your cheeks, nose and forehead.

Silence reigned into the room, and with his forehead now against yours, Mark closed his eyes before he tried to let himself drift to sleep, the alcohol taking the best of him and his relief relaxing all his tensed muscles. His lust had finally vanished and his heartbeat became peaceful as you were stroking his back up and down slowly, and after another peck you couldn't help but give him, the blonde sighed in contentment and dozed off.

                                         You couldn't sleep. Your head wasn't full of his thoughts anymore, but they had been replaced by yours, more specifically dozens of interrogations and mini-replays of everything that had happened tonight, keeping your mind busy while Mark's was finally taking some rest.

His right arm was secured around your waist, but as he had started to move after an hour or so – you couldn't tell for how long you had both been lying down by now –, his embrace was less sturdy and his body had slid a little bit below yours, with his face turned towards the ceiling, so you could stare at him incognito and tirelessly.

He was beautiful even when he was sound asleep, looking all peaceful and like he'd been engraved in marble as his face muscles didn't move without his consent, nor did he snore. A true sleeping beauty. His loud breathing was contrasting with his collapsed-looking body, but this air sound was like a melody humming in your ears that had been hurting from their overcapacity.

You had told yourself you'd deal with remorse tomorrow, yet it was already eating your insides as you knew, the more you were gazing at his face and the more you were remembering his desperate expression or the passionate kisses he had given you just to make you stay, that your crush was blooming into something more beautiful people would say, but that would cost you a lot.

If you had assumed that your chances to meet him again were slimmer than a blade of grass and had been ready to forget about him, well less than a month after your reunion, there you were, lying next to him in his bed, under his sheets, in his arms, and with the sensation of his lips on yours still lingering as you bit them out of anxiety. And most of all, Mark had seemed to hint that he, too, had a thing for you. But would he take back his words tomorrow, once the alcohol would have evaporated from his body and he'd be his withdrawn and lonely self again?

You were shared between mixed feelings making your heart ache and your body sick ; happiness to have caught some of his inner thoughts about you that could comfort you, but worry that they would fade away and become a mirage, a momentary bliss to him when it was so real to you. After all, he had been so scared of you up on the balcony yet so sure a few moments ago… You didn't know which facet you should trust more at this point.

As you were tormenting yourself again and again, Mark's traits suddenly turned into a sad frown, his lips falling and his brows furrowing, and a sound cut right through the silence but also your heart, as he groaned loudly. His voice couldn't have been clearer than right now, and your blood turned into ice as you straightened yourself on one of your elbows to watch over him.

And to petrify and worry you even more, Mark started to breathe in and out quickly, as if he was having a dream that got him scared or choking, then he whimpered again. Every time a sound came out of his lips that were now half opened, chills were going down your spine and sweat was lining up on your brows that were knitted in confusion. You were frozen in your own body, not knowing what to do as you shouldn't be panicking because of a nightmare, yet Mark seemed to be suffering a lot at least on the outside, and that was killing you.

"Don't… Help… Me… Help… Me… No…" Mark muttered and this time, your heart imploded as you definitely saw him talk on his own.

His breathing intensified and he completely turned on his side, getting closer to you while his right hand falling behind your back clenched the lose fabric of his shirt you were wearing, and you felt how tensed his forearm on your waist became under the strong grip.

"…Help… P-Please… No… Stop…. No…" he kept on moaning in a higher tone than his usual one, between two shaking sighs and with his face now close to your collarbones.

A torn expression painted his traits, and it made your heart bleed at the same time. You couldn't stand it, you couldn't witness his pain anymore when you had already heard it all night long ; and this time, you could actually do something about it, at least by waking him up and be there for him, helping him to land on the ground of reality after he had been facing turbulences up in dreamland.

"Mark… Shhhht… It's okay…" you whispered as you looked down at his scowl, and you dared to reach for his cheek with your left hand, cupping it and stroking the burning flesh.

But unexpectedly, the boy broke into a sob, before he cried. He cried quietly at first, still tears flowed intensely down his face he instinctively buried in your chest while his grasp in your back tightened, and you felt that your own waterworks were at the verge of coming out. His shoulders began to shake at each sob and soon, he was weeping out loud.

Why was he crying? What kind of dream was he having to be in such a state?

In your eyes, it was as if all his inner pain he wouldn't word was breaking free from its constricted prison where it had been serving its life-sentence for more than two years now, and you could see it rolling down his cheeks, or forcing its way out of his throat in a hurtful sob to the point you were fearing he'd need to gasp for air.

Spotting his weak and hurting side without his "poker face" to disguise it was crushing your heart, and you felt your body tremble at the sight. Mark was alternating between crying painfully, whimpering some pleads you couldn't understand anymore, and suddenly turning quiet but with a tortured expression still distorting his traits ; and all of that, within a minute that turned into an infinity of time as this vicious circle repeated again and again.

"Mark, shhhht… It's okay… I'm here… Calm down… I'm here…" you were repeating in the sweetest tone you could when your throat was in fact knotting itself as you were affected by this awful scene.

However, your soothing words were seemingly starting to reach him in whatever sleep stage he was right now, as the more you kept on calling his name and telling him not to worry, the more his frown was disappearing and his sobs were lowering, the only trace of his misadventure being the wetness of his face you had tried to wipe the best you could, but the boy seemed to have a lot to let out as water couldn't stop drowning.

Perhaps was he dreaming of the accident even after all this time, or something related to it?

You couldn't imagine how terrible it should be for him to relive this trauma again, and what shook you the most was thinking that it may be the case every single night. But wouldn't the boys have found out if he was moaning that loudly?

Another suitcase of unanswered questions piled up on your brain as you watched over him with teary eyes, your hand still caressing his face that had finally started to dry on its own, and you leaned to grant his sweaty forehead a kiss.

You felt his hand finally let go of the T-Shirt you were wearing before it slid down your waist, then Mark brought it to his pounding heart he knocked absently a few times, his fingers clenched in a fist. The steady breathing was back, but a pout was still dressing his thick lips, so you slowly brushed them with your thumb, in hopes it would help removing it faster.

But instead, Mark started to pant in a faint tone, his deep voice coming out at each one of his exhales, sign that he hadn't fully escaped the gloomy trap his nightmare had dragged him into, and you felt powerless once again.

"Shhhht… It's okay… Everything's gonna be okay… I'm right next to you… Don't worry, I'm here… Next to you… It's just a nightmare… I'm here…" you tried once more with a stroke of his blonde hair, and suddenly, at these words, the boy barely opened an eye, but it still met yours that grew wide.

Mark's eyelids felt puffy and kept on battling as he tried to awaken, but you quickly kissed each one of them as an invitation for him to go back to sleep. You who always had something to say when people were feeling bad, had randomly gotten scared of not finding the right words if he ever had woken up entirely, as you couldn't guess in what state he would have been after this emotional trip.

Still, between two slumbers, Mark managed to take you back into his arms and he clung onto you, his face finding its hideout between the crook of your neck and the pillow. This time though, his right hand went under your top but without having any misplaced gestures, just guided by his need to feel you so that he'd believe in your previous words that had winkled him out of hell and were soothing his trashed head right now.

Soon enough, he succumbed to a dreamless sleep, somehow appeasing your distraught heart but on the other hand, you couldn't help but stay awake with "what ifs" to keep you busy once again ; and what if he has another nightmare? and what if he cries again? and what if he needs me? and what if I stop stroking him? and what if...

                                      Black, pure coffee, with its strong perfume and sour flavor : nothing better to shake Mark out of a thick morning mist – and a strong headache –, not even some hangover soup the guys always spared in the fridge. His swollen eyes were staring at the buildings on the other side of the street, the windows welcoming the rays of the morning and soon-to-be noon sun, the golden reflection sometimes blinding him.

The flat was quiet, all his friends sleeping sound as they surely had come home only a few hours ago, and Mark sighed in contentment after having gulped down his energizer. But soon, this satisfactory feeling faded away like the smoke foaming from the little cup he put on the kitchen's island, as his puzzled thoughts about last night were starting to stick together one by one, recalling him of some things that had happened, but in a random order and with missing words or gestures you or him had had.

"Mark… It's okay… I'm here… It's just a nightmare…" your soothing voice came to his ears, and cold sweat licked his spine, as he remembered little by little.

For the first time, after two years of dreamless nights – when he hadn't had insomnias –, Mark had seen images and escaped to another dimension for a moment during his sleep time. However, it had been somewhere he wished he'd never go back to. That nightmare, as realistic and terrifying as it had been, was still giving him the chills and his stomach bad cramps.

How come he had dreamed last night? Why now, after all this time? Why hadn't he had the luxury to live a beautiful life for a brief moment like people around the world could, waking up with a smile on their faces? Why had he been stuck in that freaking accident again?

Yet, at one point, the body of his mom next to him in the car had been blurred, so had the blood reddening the scene, and the cold of the night had stopped brushing his bruised skin, as he had been attracted by some light calling him from far away. The closer he had gotten himself to it, the more he had heard your voice, the more he had recognized your touch, and the more he had felt secured in a safe place where nothing would happen to him anymore.

You. It was always you who saved him from his inner demons lately. But it was also you, who had provoked this dream, probably because you had unlocked some doors to his heart and mind, to the point it had freed the subconscious Mark had buried along with the rest of his emotions. Those very emotions that couldn't have manifested in another way than him crying, and Mark cringed at the thought of you witnessing his weakest state.

On the other hand, you surely had spent an awful night watching over him ; well, it had been written all over your worn out face when he had woken up next to you. Mark had stared at you for a while, sitting at the edge of the bed, and his hands had crumpled the sheets so that they'd resist to the intense temptation to brush your hair with his fingers. He had printed this image of you lying under his blanket and in his clothes as, like you had feared, his sober-self had decided to put an end to this story before it would even start.

Not because he didn't like you ; he did, he was well aware of it, and he couldn't deny it to himself – only if asked. But because the infamous feeling of guilt he had come to breathe in by now had made a spectacular comeback after alcohol had got ridded of it last night. The guilt of making you worry every single night and day about his state of mind, about his lack of sleep, about his depression, about the desperate case he was.

He had come to see how much you could care about someone and devote yourself to his or her well-being, yet he didn't feel like he deserved any of it. Not now. He wasn't ready to go down this road. He wasn't ready to give you his hand, not until he'd be able to walk beside you, and not dragged behind you like a cannonball because of how heavy the burden on his shoulders was.

He was so scared after having had this dream, reminding him of how deep his scars still were, so scared of letting himself go to someone without being sure he wouldn't darken their world with his gloomy aura.

Overall, Mark was terrified of how close he was to fall from the safe haven you had taken his heart to last night, the border between the smile you gave him and the tears his inner pain had stocked being so thin that he felt like a tightrope walker.

                    *I'm not ready to love, or to be loved.*

The familiar deep voice of Mark cut right through your sleep and resounded in your ears, becoming clearer and clearer at each word he had thought.

After a difficult battle with the heavy curtains that were your tired eyelids, you finally managed to wake up under a ceiling deprived from any shining stars now that the sun had seeped into the room through the shutters' holes. You felt woolly, your body numb from any sensation, and most of all you felt cold, as the hot air coming from Mark's nose had stopped caressing the base of your neck.

When did you fall asleep?

You couldn't remember, the last thing coming to your mind being the vision of Mark crying and most of all talking, and it suddenly fed you with some energy. You stretched, your toes curling and a whine leaving your dry lips, and you quickly sat down, feeling gloomy at the sight of the empty spot next to you. However, some noise dispersing in the bedroom caught your attention, and your eyes were happy to meet Mark's silhouette before his wardrobe facing the bed.

When did he wake up?

"Hey…" you greeted in a raspy voice, your hands touching your head to flatten your messy hair.

The blonde turned around and you grew timid under his stare, the dark circles drawn under his eyes giving his look even more depth and his non-expression even more impact. He swiftly buttoned the pair of ripped jeans covering his legs, before pulling the bottom of the red hoodie he had passed on over his waist, and you tilted your head to the side in incomprehension.

"Going somewhere?" you asked him as he had turned back to the wardrobe's glasses, yet you saw him dig into the back pocket of his trousers to take out his phone – so he even had had the time to go to the living room… For how long had he been up?

He quickly typed something and you contemplated his stern face through the mirror, your empty stomach torn as your fears from the night were taking over your mind, the ones of him neglecting you, the ones of him having wanted your company only for a limited time, the ones of him being influenced by alcohol and not being himself when he had kissed and held you.

Mark nonchalantly threw the cellphone on the bed, the object landing at your feet with its screen muffled by the sheets, and you gulped at this rude action before seizing it with rushed hands.

"Yes, so you should get going."

Maybe your sensitivity was due to your morning state, but you suddenly felt at the verge of crying as well as the one of jumping at him to kick his ass. His pleads of last night had put a stop to your questions, yet he was actually opening your internal debate once again. Had you been right about you being a rebound to his loneliness all this time?

"So that's it?" you demanded with a tight throat, trying desperately to get something else from him.

*Aish don't start… Not now. Please go* his brain betrayed him while he had only sighed in response, passing his ringed fingers through his humid locks.

"So you just wanted to fuck me, I see." you provoked him bitterly before quickly stepping out of bed, going straight to your things folded on the desk.

You didn't want to believe it. He couldn't pretend before your two eyes that it had been his one and only ulterior motive when he had insisted again and again for you to stay, before taking over your mouth by kissing it quite lovingly. You didn't want to be right.

The second you walked past him and grabbed the door knob to go change, Mark landed his hand on your wrist and energetically pulled at it so that you'd turn around. You faced his annoyed expression, his eyes throwing bullets at you before he suddenly went to his bed with you walking in his steps, and he retrieved his phone with his free hand.

"What? I'm right, aren't I? You brought me here last night, you obviously tried to have something with me but oh, I'm sorry, you failed! So now you're asking me to go because you don't care anymore. What else do you want to add?" you ranted with all the anger you had accumulated towards his coward self, while the fake-mute didn't bother to acknowledge you as he was busy typing something on his phone in his left hand, using his thumb the fastest he could.

"Or maybe is it because I actually saw you cry? Don't tell me-" you started to scoff in disbelief as the boy froze when you mentioned his tears. "You're not for the cliché of "Men are not supposed to cry" aren't you?"

*When does she stop making assumptions?! She's exhausting I swear!* you heard him bitch into his head and yours, before he showed his screen to you.

His grasp around your wrist had tightened and you were starting to hurt, but you couldn't care less as it was a proof that you were getting on his nerves and picking at the right spot.

"Maybe that's just because I really have things to do? Or maybe that's just because I don't want to see you anymore? It was a nice time yesterday, thank you, but let's stop things here Y/N." he had written neatly.

You laughed at this somehow honorific answer, its politeness evidently hiding a hint of sarcasm and an urge for you to disappear from his sight, as if you were burdening him right now. It felt worse than a rejection, because you had already tasted his lips and had been the subject of his affection yesterday ; still, he was selfishly taking it away from you, and you didn't get why.

You needed to know why, even if it would hurt your pride or your feelings, but you'd sleep better while knowing you were just a sexual attraction, rather than with another set of questions ready for your brain to eat them up but never digest them.

"Really? Why did you ask me to come then? Why did you beg me to stay? Why did you kiss me like that? Or may simply I ask if you're fucking KIDDING ME?!" you burst out as you finally smacked his hand on your wrist he immediately released, and you rubbed the burning print his grip had tattooed on your skin.

Mark had forgotten about this little detail. The vague souvenir of him pleading for your company made him want to dig his own grave right into the floor of his bedroom, as he felt even more embarrassed for having been clingy. However, as sour as the pill had been, it also proved him right, as he surely wouldn't stand a relationship where he would depend on you like that. He couldn't do that you, nor he could do that to himself.

*Not now. I can't. I'm not ready.*

Your eyes widened at this familiar thought you still couldn't understand, and Mark sighed again as he gently took your hand this time, before leading you in the corridor. You didn't protest, too flustered by the sudden kindness in his gesture when his hardened traits were telling how pissed off you had gotten him, but your heart was becoming heavier at each step getting you closer to the exit. He opened the front door then brought you outside by a curved movement, and you stood face to face for a split second, your arms extended before you as your hands were still linked.

"Goodbye then." he signaled with his fingers that let go of yours and a somehow a sad expression finally taking the place of his serious one.

Your mouth had barely opened that Mark was already closing the door after having disposed your shoes at your feet, leaving you speechless. You managed to swallow back the accumulated tears at the corner of your eyes as you stood before the panel for a moment, feeling ridiculed but also abandoned, in some way. How come you could have felt so close to him and his heart yesterday, yet so far away now? What you had shared would really turn into a "nice time" among other ones, like he had said?

*I'm sorry. I'm too messed up to start something now, Y/N…. I'm not ready.* you unexpectedly but clearly perceived, as if he still was standing on the other side of the door, mirroring your pitiful body that didn't seem to be able to turn away.

Your heart vibrated in your chest as hope embraced it, and a smile regained your pouting lips. You came down from your emotional rollercoaster, as Mark's inner truth reassured you another time. Once again, he had been playing the cold guy in front of you just like he had done on the balcony, because he still was… Scared?

"Why do I want to wait for you…?" you wondered out loud, in a moment of bliss where your heart spoke for yourself and threw away your usual vigilance when talking back to somebody's thoughts, just like the night before.

                   Like you had imagined, Mark had indeed been standing up right behind the door, with his forehead against the wooden surface and his eyes closed. His heart had neither seemed at ease with the thought of letting you go, as it strongly pulled his body towards yours, so much that he couldn't return to his bedroom nonchalantly, as if nothing had happened, as if he didn't care.

And when he heard your voice wording the answer he had secretly wished for, Mark's body and mind dissociated.

His hands hurried themselves to grab the door knob and he opened it with haste, regrets and sweet souvenirs taking the best of him. But you were already gone, the sound of the lift going down being the only thing he could hear anymore, matching with his heart that fell to his stomach.

However, on the other hand, his mind was slowly tracking down his memory, as it felt familiar with your perfect answer, once again going along with his thoughts without him having worded them. It evocated him of bribes of a conversation from the night before, some indistinct and incomplete murmurs coming to his ears, but the same question he had asked himself in the car popped up in his head : How could you always get his point?

                                                   "Y/N? Y/L/N Y/N!" a voice called your name in a whine, but it rather was the hand agitating before your eyes that root you out of your daydream.

Three weeks. Three long weeks had passed since the party, yet not any sign coming from Mark Tuan. You felt stupid for having thought that he would come back for you anytime soon or that you could actually wait for him, as it surely meant to wait a lifetime, looking at how panicked some kisses or a girl in his bed had made him feel.

But surprisingly, your gauge of patience seemed to fill itself indefinitely, your hope making you gasp at each notification coming from your phone, or every time you met his friends that greeted you in the hallways, but without ever mentioning him.

You had finally recalled the thought that had woken you up that morning, "I'm not ready to love or to be loved", and if deep down you knew it should have been the signal for you to let it go, your melted mind couldn't stop thinking about him and anticipating something, anything.

It was worse than before, as Mark even purchased you within your dreams when you had wished you would escape from the strong grip he had around your heart at least during sleep time. Wasn't it supposed to be the only moment when your brain wouldn't actively suffer from your crush?

"Hm?" you answered Joon Hee that stopped her waving to finally eat again, her eyes looking at you with concern, and so were the ones of your two other friends.

"You're thinking of him again, aren't you? Didn't I tell you he wasn't worth it?" Cho A attacked, like she knew how to do. "Forget about him already, everybody saw how weird he became, and even if I heard your side of the story about that night and so on, he's still a coward! And we don't want cowards in our lives!"

You chuckled at her infuriation, her voice being louder than the whole rumpus roaming around the cafeteria, between the lively discussions and the sound of cutleries meeting plates as hungry students were devouring their meals.

"Cho A is right, I mean… You can't wait for him forever, don't you think? I know it's easier said than done, but we're worried that you still didn't move on, because in the end, you didn't spend that much time with him…" Jena spoke up, her hand landing on your forearm to stroke it so that you'd accept the hidden care behind her words.

However, that little time had seemed sufficient for your heart to like him truthfully. The latter was also fed with some worries caused by the souvenirs of his nightmare you had witnessed, definitely not helping you to turn away from him. Mark had seemed so sad and lonely, and the way he had held you to cry in your arms was printed on your skin, as if you were feeling him near again every night you lied in your bed alone. How was he doing now?

You sighed in exasperation as you too were feeling annoyed by your melancholic state that was clouding over your emotions and reactions lately. You were desperately holding onto that precious night and the feelings you had gotten from it, and you had even stopped hearing anything else than your own gloomy thoughts.

But what you needed to stop, was your fall into a loveless situation.

"I know girls, I know-"

"Heyyy" a chanting and sweet voice cut through your discussion, and you leveled your pupils up to discover Park Jinyoung, with a hand landing on his now girlfriend's shoulder and a smile plastered on his lips.

The four of you saluted him joyfully before Jena pulled at his T-Shirt to earn a shy kiss from him, but your heart crumpled at the sight of the rest of his roommates gathering behind him.

"What do you want, sticking around me like that?" Jena joked in a cheesy way, and you booed with your friends in mockery, reminded of the old Jena who wasn't a bit interested by love and almost found it ridiculous. "O-Oh hi guys!"

"What have you done to my friend?!" Joon Hee exclaimed in a devastated tone, and Jinyoung laughed wholeheartedly as he sat down at your table and so did the guys, Jackson taking place on your left with his tray full of plastic boxes containing his own prepared – organic, he boasted – food.

"I don't know, I think she likes me too much, that's understandable" Jinyoung offered while shrugging, before he laid his eyes on you who were smiling absent-mindedly.

Your friends immediately started to discuss with the six men, laughing and exchanging anecdotes about teachers or campus' life. But you couldn't participate in their debates nor you could enjoy the company, because the only sentences that were burning your tongue were the questions Mark had left unanswered : if he truly didn't feel anything for you, if his last thought or his behavior had indeed told the contrary, if he was doing well…

"Why don't the four of you come to our place to eat dinner on Saturday night? And after we can go out!" Jinyoung's offer caught your attention, and the girls immediately agreed without you having your word to say, but the boy noticed it. "What do you think, Y/N?"

Your brows arched and you tilted your head to the side, feigning to be thinking about it, while all the pair of eyes were going back and forth between the both of you.

"Well hum… I don't know yet, I'll see, I have tons of homework lately…" you invented while faking a smile.

You were scared to confront Mark, though you were dying to. He had embarrassed you to the fullest by tossing you out, and even though his last thought had been the shovel burying you in this hopeful and impatient state ever since, he still had left a strong impression that he didn't want to see you ever again, this will having stood out from his messages and his jaded eyes.

"And what if we say that our boy Tuan has something to tell you?" Jackson smiled slyly, his body leaning over his plate so that he'd get a better view of your reaction, and your heart did a blip, making you cough.

"Oh damn right he does!" Jaebum growled between two mouthfuls, his hands meeting brutally the table to support his dismay.

Everyone at the table smiled at their teasing – except for Cho A who rolled her eyes so bad that they could have been stuck at the back of her head –, as their childish side was surely amused by the situation, but you couldn't mirror the joyful expression. Right before the boys had appeared, you had been about to promise your quartet that you would gather some determination to really try and forget about your feelings that were going one way without you getting anything in return. But here the roommates were, telling you that the very owner of your crush might ruin your resolutions.

"And? That doesn't change anything, I still have things to do. Just give him my number, you have it" you directed your answer at Jinyoung, and you discovered your oversensitive side, as it unstuck your butt from your chair before you grabbed your tray. "Excuse me pals, but I have somewhere to go…"

You had nowhere to go, except for a hole where you would breathe in and out your emotions that were taking the best of you. The boys had merely joked around, their attempt being nice and small ; had it been under any other circumstances, you knew you would have laughed it out or even would have killed them with your retort. But right now, you were angry. At what exactly, you couldn't point it out ; probably yourself for being overwhelmed because of something that should've been nothing.

"Hey hey hey Y/N! Sorry, we were just joking…" Jinyoung ran up to you, as you were throwing the rest of your unfinished dishes in the trash a few meters away.

"I know Jinyoung-ah, it's just that I remembered that I-"

"I wanted to thank you" the boy smiled, cutting your speech full of lies that he had already detected.

"To thank me?" you wondered as you crossed your arms once you were done.

"Yes, we all do. Looks like two years of our hard work couldn't beat a girl, because Mark's been pretty different since the party, so we wanted to thank you for whatever you said or did to him" he explained as his hand brushed his dark but shiny hair.

"What do you mean by pretty different?" you simply asked before gulping down your bottle of water, anticipation drying your mouth.

Does he talk again????

"You'll see by yourself, if you come on Saturday, please?" he suggested, his small eyes squinting under his sad grimace that was about to make you laugh. "I can't talk for him, but all I can say is that he somehooow realizes that he's been dumb…"

Jinyoung's shoulder went up and down slowly at his last choice of words, and your heartbeat fastened crazily. Around twenty days had passed, and that bloody organ was still losing its rhythm just at the thought of Mark Tuan ; so how would it survive once you'd meet him again?

"And come back to sit down with us, hm? We're guys with no tact, I know, but if you flare up at every remark we make about you and our friend, you're only giving us more content to annoy you with…" he teased and you sighed before looking back at the table, all the heads turned in your direction with concern lightning their pair of eyes.

"Alright…" you grumbled in defeat, before you followed him.

Jena, you've chosen well, you told her with your eyes as you sat back at your place, and she smiled knowingly as she put her hand on the thigh of her boyfriend, feeling proud.

"Y-You know Y/N noona, we're on your side! It must be a pain in the ass to like him, he's so annoying! But we want you to win!" Bambam tried an implicit apologize, earning a shove from his best friend Yugyeom before being threatened by him with a silver stick.

You couldn't help but chuckle at this lame attempt that still had warmed your heart as you found it cute, then Jackson, being true to himself, began to get tactile as he passed an arm around your shoulders to redeem himself for his poor question.

You all walked out once everyone had been done, and Jaebum came to you, holding his backpack on one shoulder while his other hand was nonchalantly stuffed in the pocket of his large trousers.

"He's not talking again, if that's what you're wondering. Well, not yet" he spoke up with a smile as he had overheard your conversation with his roommate, his dark eyes having a hard time accommodating to the bright environment you had stepped in.

You looked at him with surprise then bit the interior of your cheek, regretting that your high expectations had obviously been written all over your face, so should have been the fact that you permanently were asking yourself questions about Mark.

The sun up in the sky was shining over the green and flowery campus, all the students lying on the grass to enjoy the nice weather, but it also worsened your hot flushes and the sweat wetting your off-shoulders top, even when you had taken off your jacket.

"It's just that… He seems less gloomy, I guess? And that's already a big change" he confessed in a sigh before he jumped a little to put his falling bag right into its place.

His relief at the well-being of his friend touched your heart, but it ashamed you at the same time, as you deduced from his words that Mark had been living his own life pretty well after that night, while you had been close to moping around just by recalling yourself the eventuality, no, the huge probability that it may never happen again.

They all were right… It was just a nice moment, you chuckled sadly in your head, yet it comforted you in your wise decision to avoid the dinner coming in a few days at all costs.

However, the little demon voice that had filled your brain with hope since the party rang another bell and pulled you towards the reverse decision : What does he have to tell me?

                         Four days after the party – At the guys' apartment.

                    Mark wasn't feeling okay with his decision, not at all. He thought it had been the right choice to spare you from his tormented self ; however, he was already dealing with the void you had left in him now that you were gone. His love for himself and for life that had been refilled just by spending a few hours around you, was almost emptied up, and it had been hard to step out of bed and go to work now that he reminisced your body next to him.

Nevertheless, he still felt at least ten times better than before he had met you again. Sometimes, a smile would rekindle his lips as he thought of yours or remembered the pleasing sensation of lust he had felt at the sight of your body in his clothes, and some spark kept on shining within his broken heart as he realized that someone might like him, or at least had been willing to wait for the douchebag he was.

His fears of messing it all up were trying hard at destroying the dreams he had come to build around the premises of a relationship he had imagined with you, but the precious memories he replayed on a loop were acting as a perfect repellant.

Yes, Mark had somehow pictured himself with you. You who always got him right, who put him at ease, who didn't care that much about his disablement and didn't even annoy him when you talked about helping him ; everything had been going on too fast between the both of you, but he had loved the speed that had made his heart race and his life way more entertaining.

All those elements were hinting at something : Mark had made a wrong choice, that morning. But his pride and his anticipation for the worse were telling him not to come back for you. Until…

"So did something happen, between Y/N and you?" Jackson asked in a suggesting tone as the boys were watching a basketball match on television.

"What do you mean" Mark answered lazily with his hands before they dropped back in the bag of Nachos he was feeding his stomach with.

"What he means is : did you go for it?" Jaebum answered flatly, his eyes going back to the screen with an incipient smirk curving his lips even if he was biting it back the best he could.

"No, nothing happened. It's not worth it anyway." Mark tried to convince himself, but his sensation of lightness was telling him exactly the contrary.

"How come it's not worth it? She's the first girl that seems to like you since so long, Mark!" Jinyoung sighed as his arms fell in exasperation.

"Well, first of all, thanks" Mark looked at him with despise in his eyes, but they soon changed target as the two youngest were laughing at the remark.

"S-Sorry hyung, it's just that… You're so frustrating sometimes" Bambam confessed while holding tight a cushion against his torso, in hopes it would contain his urge to laugh again. "She's a pretty girl, that obviously likes you and doesn't care about you playing the mutes, but here you are looking for problems! What do you need, in the end?"

"What do you even know about her liking me!" Mark got truly annoyed by all the stares at him full of mockery, his hands' moves messy and pressed, and he even threw a headrest at Youngjae who evidently was about to burst out.

"She asked me three times if you've been doing well in class, three times! And when we meet her at the uni, it looks like she's willing to run away, because she must embarrassed to face the friends of the guy that rejected her! Hadn't she liked you, she wouldn't care" Jinyoung exposed while pointing at his friend with his index, then he sighed, again.

Mark's face turned into a frown as he felt defeated by those arguments. He knew too damn well he had fucked up ; yet he lacked the guts to fix it. But at the thought of you truly liking him, his furrowed brows relaxed as his body welcomed a good sensation, that very sensation you had put him through every time you had looked at him, and Jackson didn't miss that.

"Look at him, he likes it! Oh my God he likes it so much! Ya, Mark, if you like her that much then why don't you stop being a coward for a second, hm? What's wrong with you?" his best friend called him out, and that shook the blonde out of his trance.

"She deserves better, than me! She deserves someone normal, not me! I don't want to be her patient, I don't want her to take care of me, I want to date her! But I can't!" Mark explained without thinking twice, his hands making some noise and hitting his chest and zones of his face with a lot of vigor, but the last part of his sentence froze him in his seat as it resounded in his ears.

Silence whirled around the room, the voices of the sports commentators being the only background sound the boys could hear as each one of them had turned speechless before their friend's huge revelation. Mark finally wanted something in his life, after two years, and something positive, something else than to live cut out of the outside world forever as an eternal punishment he didn't even deserve.

"Wow." Jaebum clapped his hands first, followed by the five others and Mark's heart jumped up in his throat while his whole face reddened out of embarrassment.

"We've finally made it guys, a round of applause is well deserved" Bambam joked as his hands kept on meeting loudly.

"Just do it, Mark! Do it! Your mom would have wanted you to date at this point, you know that?" Jackson provoked him with great gestures communicating his frustration, and the receiver got up from the couch before he stormed to his bedroom which door he slammed. "Of course you know it!"

"Ya! As we've found the new purpose in your life that has been way too boring lately, I'm going to nag you with it every day!" Jinyoung shouted between two laughs.

"Yeah, until you go and ask her out!" the Chinese boy overbid loudly, and as their mate didn't come out of his cavern after that, the boys guessed they had finally found the right path to his undeclared happiness.

And they did, nag him a lot. Every single day and every single night, to be correct. "Give her a chance", one of them would say. "Give yourself a chance", another would add. And the more they tried, the looser was Mark's conviction in his "No's", and he even started to laugh at their attempts.

The more they tried, the less he could listen to his mind imprisoned by his fears and traumas. It seemed like the boys had doubled their efforts to free him from his cage, and they weren't cautious around him anymore, not a bit afraid of the barks their friend was capable of groaning when they pushed him too much.

But this time, Mark wanted them to push him, again and again, as his footsteps felt righter when he walked down this road leading to you than when he was running to hide himself behind his inner walls. Slowly, the ice was breaking, the fire within him burning ragingly and eating up his insides as he kept on regretting his choice.

During those three weeks, Mark had been forced to reflect on himself thanks to the good vibes and the boosting provoked by his roommates ; and the main conclusion was that despite him, he had seemingly found something to finally make his blocking feel threatened of being ended up with, when it had been unmoved by all the previous attacks of his entourage.

Mark's heart was indeed beginning to be fed up with all the pain condensed in it, now that his owner had felt all the good he could win just from listening to it again. He was craving to feel that again.

Still, when the fake-mute had told you he didn't feel ready, he had been sincere. He couldn't ignore how scary and powerful his lingering trauma could get, reason why the guys had advised him to ask Woodam truthfully about how to eventually conceal a relationship and the two years-old monster in him you had put to sleep, but not killed. Not yet.

                       Saturday – 5 hours before dinner time.

                        I'm definitely not going, you were telling yourself as you ignored the umpteenth message popping up on your phone's screen, coming from the girls' groupchat in which each one of them was asking you what you were up to.

You didn't have the time to debate so you turned off the notifications, as you were now sitting behind your desk at your godfather's cabinet, all ready to immerge yourself into the next session coming up. You took the file at the top of the pile, but when your eyes read the name written on it, your hands became numb.

"W-Woodam?" you stuttered, your pupils still glued to the paper.

"Hm?" the latter mumbled as he was busy transcribing something on his computer.

"Why is Mark Tuan's file the next one? His appointment should be next week, right?" you asked carefully, and the time he took to answer was about to kill you.

"No, no, that's normal! He had an impeachment for next week so… I can't describe you how happy I was when I received a text from him, he didn't even cancel it! Looks like you convinced him last time" your godfather smiled at you, and your back crashed against your chair as you were baffled by the situation.

You had especially came this weekend to assist Woodam so that you could avoid Mark next week, following your plan to draw a line on your crush you had put in action despite the incessant questions obstructing your way, but it apparently was going to be a huge fail.

"Come in!" Woodam called as he heard the bell ring, signaling the next patient's arrival.

Just like two months ago, your heartbeat accelerated its pace, your hands turned moist and you felt uncomfortable sitting still as you waited stressfully, your eyes on the door. And just like two months ago, the second it opened, you zoned out and forgot about how disturbing staring at someone could be.

Mark closed the panel behind him and when he turned around, his eyes immediately found yours, opening wide and so did his mouth, but he quickly regained his natural nonchalance as he came to sit on the chair. His blonde hair was styled up neatly, only a few but planned strands of hair falling from either side of his forehead. He had opted for a denim jacket this time, matching his pair of jeans that were secured by a red belt, and his white polo's opened collar was revealing the silver chain you had seen shining around his long neck that night.

He was, as always, breathtaking, all your mind-control exercises becoming vain as you got closer and closer to tearing up from the lack of blinking, yet as his brown eyes plunged themselves into yours once again, you felt some frustration swirl into your stomach.

Why weren't you hearing anything? Had he been doing that well?

This should be some great news, but deep down, you had wished to hear him feel at least embarrassed to see you, or maybe express some regrets. But no, nothing came to your burning ears and you crossed your arms before poking your cheek annoyingly.

She's so pretty. I missed her face.

Mark had been taken aback to spot you at the back of the room, but the jump his heart had made when he had seen you had perturbed him more than anything else. That, was once more proving his choice wrong and his friends right, but it also supported the reason why he was sitting here today.

"Well well well Mr. Tuan, I'm so glad to see you!" Woodam exclaimed and Mark smiled shyly before bowing politely. "So how have you been doing?"

Shit, how am I supposed to talk about it if she's right here?

"I've been fine" Mark wrote on his prepared sheet of paper.

You were more and more destabilized by the fact that you couldn't hear a single thing. Was he telling the truth now? Contrary to what his friends thought, you hadn't done anything specific that could have helped him, no ; you had spotted him having a terrible nightmare, and even had caught his thoughts about him not being ready to receive or give some love, which was quite worrying. So how come he could be feeling so much better after three weeks?

Mark couldn't ignore your stare at him, and it was absorbing his courage that had helped him find his way here.

"I'm sorry but can she not participate this time?" he suddenly wrote, and your heart dropped at your feet before it felt like you were stepping on it.

A light of betrayal crossed your shaking pupils as you gazed at him for a few seconds more, then Woodam turned to you and said with a smile :

"Y/N, please"

You nodded without great conviction, your body automatically being polite when inside you were craving to ask him why he would do that in a less than courteous way, and you exited the room without Mark looking back at you as he couldn't support your intense stare. He felt like breathing again once he heard the door closing, while you were suffocating back in the waiting room that was, luckily, empty, just like your mind.

Was that hinting towards him definitely not wanting you to be around him anymore?

"I've met someone, doctor. And I have a few questions about having a relationship" Mark wrote daringly, pressed to have an answer now that he had seen you.

His chilly legs and arms and the hot waves ventilating his flustered face were speaking for him : you definitely weren't anyone else, and his body was stimulated every time you were within his reach. He couldn't get enough of this new sensation, and he was preparing himself to get drunk with it.

"Oh? That's good, tell me, Mark" Woodam got intrigued, and he leaned in his chair before crossing his legs comfortably.

*I'm scared.*

Your head that had been dropping down under your despair and confusion suddenly got up, and you snapped it on the right towards the cabinet's door you could spot from your seat. Scared of what?

"I didn't think it was possible, but I'm kind of attracted to this person. And when I'm with her, I forget about my fears" he explained on the paper, his hands trembling as he showed it to the psychiatrist that nodded in encouragement.

You weren't hearing anything anymore, and your frustration made you walk in circles in the small room.

"Well let's say love does a lot of miraculous things, and we never see it coming our way" Woodam chuckled while caressing his chin. "Continue, please."

"My friends are telling me to go for it, to ask her out and to let it be, because they see it has done me good. But I want to know if I might waste everything because of my problem. I'm afraid that it's just an illusion, feeling better."

Mark's hand was writing lines after lines without his brain calculating them, but it felt so natural doing so, his body relaxed and his heart beating slowly, in accordance with his peaceful state of mind. After two years of never opening up to any of his doctors, the boy was finally trying to make an effort and talk about what was on his mind without manipulating his words or lying, all of that thanks to and because of you. He wanted to make this effort you had asked him to, so that he'd get to you without damages.

"Is there anything you're thinking of when you're saying that you might hurt her? Because up till today you've always told me that you were alright and that you didn't need any help. So if you want me to help you now, just tell me truthfully, hm? Having stopped talking can be seen as "problem", but it doesn't impede a relationship in itself. A lot of mutes find love! However, its reason, the guilt that's eating you and your feeling that you need to punished can be a true problem, unless… You get helped, and she likes you back." Woodam detailed while looking right at him, his heart beating expectantly as for the first time he felt that this patient wasn't avoiding the conversation, on the contrary ; he was feeding it.

Mark was nodding with his eyes admiring the emptiness in front of him, his ears getting the message clearly, and he couldn't deny nor dodge it this time. That psychiatrist had most of the time been right, but the blonde had always refused to admit it as he hadn't wanted any counseling back then. And now that he was the one asking for it, Mark felt hurt by the truth he was finally hearing and accepting ; but it was also giving him the determination to replace it with another one, one that could clear everything up.

He turned over the sheet of paper and flatten it on the support Woodam had given him, and the silence encompassing him helped him concentrate on his next answer, so that the man facing him would understand and that he'd step out of the cabinet with a satisfied mind and a ready heart.

"Right before I met her, I felt bad all the time, every single day. I lied to you, I know. Now, I wake up with some memories with her that give me a smile, instead of the ones of the accident that made me sad. I miss her but in a good way, instead of missing my mom. I barely spent time with her, but I want to, instead of staying in my bedroom. Like I said, I can't help but feel happy when she's near. But I'm scared… That it might wake up, anytime."

"I know all of that, I got it, but you still didn't answer my question. What do you think you could do that would hurt this person, Mark?" Woodam got straight to the point, as he was noticing how the young man before him was starting to lose track of his thoughts.

"I don't know exactly. I don't know how depressed I can get, sometimes I don't even know how my thoughts can tumble down to that much darkness" he started to write in a more hesitant pace.

"Don't pressure yourself, and take your time. You're doing well" your godfather encouraged him in a reassuring tone.

"For example, a few months ago, I tried to end it." Mark confessed, his eyes clouding with some regrets and fears as he showed his writing, and Woodam approached his chair closer to the desk.

"End what?" he asked without asking.

Mark sighed before he bit his lip. He had never told this story to anyone, ever – like a lot of things anyway. One night of an umpteenth insomnia, he had been fed up of his dark ideas and his pain conquering his brain as his defense had given up on protecting it a long time ago, the support of his friends and father insufficient to fight the despair that had won over him. He had wanted to shut them up even if it would be for a small nap, but this untold wish had kept him awake, like a vicious circle.

Mark had walked distractedly to the bathroom and had looked for pills to put him to sleep ; however, after one glance at his devastated reflection in the mirror, he had wanted it to disappear, his poor appearance, his weak composure, his tired eyes and that goddamn headache.

So he had kept on adding another pill to the first one in the crook of his hand, the number becoming too much for him to count them, and in a foolish act, he had swallowed the medical candies before gulping down a lot of water. He didn't recall much what happened next, his memories blurred by black outs and made of single images flashing one after the other. Like, his head over the toilets, his stomach suffering from a bad cramp, his stumbling pace back to his room with the environment vibrating, and then his body crashing on his bed before he had fallen into a deep but dreamless sleep – of 17 hours.

His friends had never heard anything nor had they suspected him, only thinking he had been a bit sick as they had come to check on him a few times during the next day. Mark had woken up in a wobbly state, his body aching for days following that, and it had taken him a little time to build back what had happened, how he had gotten here. And up till now, he still couldn't explain what had made him do it.

"My life. One night, at the apartment, while the boys were sleeping. I failed, and I'm glad I did, because I don't even remember how I came to this resolution. That's the problem. I sometimes don't know how far my thoughts can take me. I'm scared as they haven't been around lately, I'm scared it's going to backfire at me, and at this person. I don't want it to happen again, I wasn't myself that night and I don't want to hurt anyone anymore. I'm afraid I might hurt someone. But I don't want to. I don't want to be inactive like I was in my mother's car that night. I need to do something. Please, doctor."

Mark slid the paper full of explanations to the psychiatrist who read it carefully, again and again, his stomach knotting at those heavy declarations, out of pain for Mark's situation but also of excitement as he was finally perceiving a breach to reach him.

"We'll work it out." he then answered confidently.

                   You hadn't heard the full story and you didn’t save everything, his thoughts sometimes being interrupted by his positive resolutions and wishes, but you had caught enough to understand what had happened to him as Mark had been dictating his answers in his head. And without even trying to duct it, the pain you shared at his confession wet your eyes that soon became fountains of salty tears as you brought your hands to your mouth.

Mark had tried to kill himself, not a long time ago as you had understood, and that killed you. In your eyes, he was so worthy ; you could see a lot of things in him, you always had even before the accident and your eventful night together, still you wouldn't be able to chase his demons any further, now that he had made it clear that nothing would bring the both of you together.

You tried to calm yourself down as you realized he had opened up to your godfather for the first time, and it was a pretty good thing as you trusted Woodam and his talent for diminishing people's suffering. Still, you couldn't help but feeling frustrated by the souvenir of you managing to pull him out of nightmare, or the one of Jinyoung's thankful words, or the absence of his voice in your head but his presence into the cabinet right now that kept on torturing you, as it was somehow showing that you had done him good in the first place.

After hearing another pan of his worries, apparently about the happiness he was feeling again and the guys hadn’t lied to you about, your frustration grew bigger as you had a lot to say and to ask him ; but you here you were, stuck to oblivion.

That drove you nuts

You suddenly heard the door creaking at the end of the corridor and the sound of footsteps walking your way, but you were too busy dotting the ground you were staring at with your tears to acknowledge the comer, your elbows on each of your knees with your fingers grasping the hair at the back of your head.

"Are you okay?" Mark showed on his phone once you had resolved yourself to straighten your back and to turn your face to him, your hands on your skull quickly going down to wipe your hot but fresh tears.

Do I look okay to you? you wanted to retort, angry at him for hiding so well behind his expressionless mask and for having bannished you out of his world.

"And you?" your worried side asked back in a strained voice, your reddened eyes looking at him for a sign that he was indeed doing well.

Mark's heart skipped a beat again as his gaze married your traits, not understanding why you had been crying so much.

*Did I make her cry?*

You sobbed even more at the thought, your head falling down another time and your shoulders shaking under your whimpers. You wanted to embrace him and tell him you were only dying to be there for him, but you couldn't ; he didn't want you to, he didn't need you to, he was too far away.

"I'm fine. See you tonight, then" the speaker resounded into the small room and you slowly braced yourself to look at him with endless questions in your eyes ; however, the boy was already gone like the wind, leaving you appalled at his sudden kindness.

A kindness that matched his last thought behind the door though, or the kisses he had given you, or the information about his state the boys had divulged to you a few days ago… Too many things were pointing at something that kept you right here, hoping, instead of releasing you free from your feelings. Perhaps he regretted, and that was what he wanted to tell you?

                                       ♫ Darling you got to let me know

Should I stay or should I go?

If you say that you are mine

I'll be here 'til the end of time

So you got to let me know

Should I stay or should I go? ♫

 You angrily turned down the volume button of the radio in your car, interrupting The Clash's singer in his love confession as the lyrics were somehow too on point with your own situation, and it irritated you as well as stressed you out even more.

"Right, should I stay in this car or should I go to this fucking dinner, huh? Still five kilometers to change your mind, Y/N" you sighed as you looked at your reflection in the rearview, before starting the engine again once the light had become green.

Mark's few words had convinced you to go earlier when you had been sticking to your decision of avoiding it at all costs, but your impatient heart was attracted to him like a magnet. So here were you, on the road to the boys' apartment, with your fingers tapping the wheel to the Rock 'n' Roll rhythm despite you, and you bit your lower lip as you glanced at the bag on the passenger's seat containing his folded clothes.

You dreaded what would come out of this evening, and somehow your guts were telling you you wouldn't spend the best night of your life.

The situation between Mark and you was more tensed than an electric line ; the girls were going to observe every single thing you'd do ; and the boys would probably keep up with their teasing, even more if some alcohol would accompany your meal. Still, Mark had implicitly told you to come, whether he had wanted to or not, and if like you had been told he indeed had something to tell you, at least you were going to be done with your uncertainties.

"Let's get it over with" you whispered to yourself as you parked your car then walked straight to the apartment blocks, spotting the cars of your friends having already mingled themselves with others next to the sidewalk.

However, your legs soon began to quiver and it felt like they were about to break at each step you took before you, as your brain suddenly wished you could walk backwards or runaway. Moreover, your heart was now up in your throat, giving you some urge to puke but to scream at the same time.

You had been full of confidence and straightforwardness with Mark up till now, so what was happening? Where did it go?

But it was too late to ask yourself those questions or to turn back, as you arrived in their hallway in no time ; and your knuckles mechanically knocked against the door.

"Y/N! You came in the end!" Jackson exclaimed as he opened the door to the fullest, before welcoming you in a hug.

You entered the flat that looked somehow different from what you remembered with the lights on, and everyone was already sitting on the couches in the huge living room, eating snacks and chatting. Everyone, except for Mark that was missing, and your expectant heart crumpled at the sight.

"Oh? You came? You could have told us, you witch!" Jena still smiled as she feigned to be hurt, and you hurried yourself to sit between her and Joon Hee.

"Surprise…?" you tried in a giggle, and the two slapped your thighs.

"My ass, but we're still happy that you came" Cho A, sitting on the left of Joon Hee, interfered before she put a crisp into her red tinted mouth.

"Got yourself pretty, hm?" you teased her and she coughed, her eyes suddenly flowing to the guys facing you to ensure they hadn't heard you.

"You can talk for yourself, you put your favorite lipstick on, I can recognize it" she retorted in a hushed voice with squinted eyes.

"Yes, but we all know that I have a reason to. But you… Im Jaebum maybe? Because he's got the bad boy vibe and you find it sexy?" you kept on mocking as it relaxed your nerves to have girlies bickering, but mostly to feel surrounded and supported by your best friends.

Cho A frowned and discretely showed you her middle finger before she grabbed a glass and poured you some soju into it, a devilish smile on her lips as she handed it to you.

"You know that one glass won't kill me, right?" you scoffed before sipping a bit from it.

"Don't give me bad intentions before the boys, please…" she said louder as she had spotted Bambam and Yugyeom who were obviously eavesdropping, and the four of you laughed wholeheartedly.

"Yes bro! Where are you? Have you found someone to replace you? …" Jackson suddenly got up from the couch then disappeared in the hallway.

You guessed he was talking to the man you were waiting for, and you quickly busied your hands with some food or else you would eat all your nails because of the stress. Soon enough though, the sound of keys pinging behind the front door gave you the signal that the evening was just starting for you, and you breathed in and out slowly to gain some composure before you'd face Mark again. He indeed entered the room with his stern face, and his six friends acclaimed him before they almost jumped at him.

Jeez she's beautiful, Mark thought as he spied on you between the heads of his roommates that had imprisoned him in the weirdest hug of all times.

After dropping some things into his bedroom, he came back without his denim jacket on, revealing fully the white polo with its red and black details and that suited him perfectly, then he sat on one of the sofas facing the big L couch you were on, never missing to take over all your sight.

This night is gonna be long…

               You chit chatted and tried to laugh with the bunch of dorks that were his friends this time, focusing on acting normal as if you weren't a bit affected by his presence, nor by what you had learned earlier, or simply by the three weeks you had spent wondering about everything. 

Yet, Mark's intense glare on you was burning every single skin cell of your body, making you feel hot even if you hadn't drank a single drop of alcohol since the poisoned gift of Cho A, nor eaten something that would be too spicy for you to handle.

"I'm going to help Jinyoung and Jackson" you made an excuse you told your friends, your eyes finally meeting Mark's that held the stare until you turned your back on him to reach the open kitchen.

The two brown-haired buddies were busy warming up some meat in a big pan and preparing the rice into small bowls, and you tip toed your way behind them before asking :

"Do you need any helping hands?"

They both jumped in surprise at your voice and you chuckled at their taken aback expressions, your fingers reaching for the island behind you against which you leaned.

"Hey, guys, I can't believe it's one of our guests that's coming to help! You really have no shame!" Jinyoung half scolded half joked, and he ushered you towards some plates you were told to organize some side dishes on.

"Mark, come and help too as you didn't prepare anything with us earlier" Jackson called out without acknowledging him, too focused on mastering his wrist's move to the marry the meat and the sauce flawlessly.

The blonde rolled his eyes as he knew too damn well what his best friend was up to, but he still got up and rejoined the three of you, getting closer than what you had expected so when you turned around to tell Jinyoung you were done, you took a small step back as your eyes met Mark's left profile right next to you. His perfume captivated your smell, and his unspoiled face proportions made you swallow your saliva forcefully.

*Don't even think of bringing those to the table. I saw how clumsy you can get* you heard him think authoritatively like he had for the bracelet back at the party, but surprisingly, he also showcased it with sign languages, and your tongue had been about to curse at him.

"He just said that you are clumsy-" Jinyoung tried to explain with an amused smile on his mouth.

"I know" you hissed through gritted teeth as you handed the full plate to Mark in a curt move, and you saw his pupils brighten in amusement while he obviously pressed his lips together so that he wouldn't smile.

"Y-You understand sign languages?" Jinyoung stuttered, his eyes open wide in shock.

"I learned a bit, yeah" you lied as your gaze was still defying Mark's, then he finally rotated on his heels to go straight to the big table the guys had dressed neatly before your arrival.

So easy to bother, he smiled to himself.

What had just happened? Had the both of you been teasing each other right now? What had happened to the distance he had dug between the both of you?

You were still looking at him, your brows furrowing but some excited smirk gaining your lips, then Jackson called out everyone and invited you to gather at the table. You enjoyed the dinner, feeling at ease in spite of what you had feared, as the boys were truly funny and sympathetic, and contrary to your expectations, they didn't even attack you or Mark with sarcastic remarks, their target rather being the fresh and lovely couple Jena and Jinyoung formed.

The blonde had chosen a seat in the row you were facing – in your left diagonal precisely –, and your eyes kept on meeting then escaping each other, making your legs tremble under the table. You also felt thrilled at the sight of him smiling and laughing out loud at the poor jokes his friends made, his relaxed behavior making you wish you could steal him away, as he felt closer.

When you weren't looking, Mark couldn't help but fall in love with your lips once again, and his pulse was accelerating as each time his brain didn't miss to remind him how it had felt to lock his with them. However, he was feeling impatient as he was waiting for the moment he could have some privacy with you, but the more the clock was ticking, the less he was finding the right words to say.

Would you have waited like you had said? Would you still understand and accept him like you had up till now?

                   At one point, all of the group sprawled back on the couches to chill and digest, and while you were chatting with the girls, the guys started shoving Mark, encouraging him to talk privately to you.

"You have something to tell her, don't you?" Jackson whispered before hitting his arm.

"Leave me alone, it's not urgent, and it doesn't look like she's willing to talk to me tonight" Mark answered quickly with his hands, and his friends all grunted while rolling their eyes.

You weren't paying attention to him anymore, and you hadn't addressed him a single word during all the dinner, so the fake-mute was starting to doubt the merits of their "plan" that could turn into a huge fail.

"You don't get it, do you? But you've dated before… She's doing it on purpose man, maybe a little bit because you hurt her feelings, but now it's time to fix it! So c'mon, go ahead!" Jinyoung cheered for him while Mark's eyes were glued to you.

You finally turned your head towards their small gathering, your pupils questioning their far from discreet exchanges as they apparently were plotting something about you. Mark suddenly got up and signaled you to follow him to his bedroom with a move of his head, and you felt your heart explode under your ribcage that began to tickle, while your legs turned to jelly. Yet, you still managed to stand too and you went to pick up your bag with his things.

"Where are you going?" Joon Hee asked inoffensively as your group hadn’t spotted your silent agreement, and you only smiled knowingly at her before you rushed to the corridor, ignoring the few whispers circulating behind you that sounded like quiet cicadas in your ears, a background sound that could never beat the loud thump of your heart.

When you walked in the bedroom, all the souvenirs of that night spread into your mind, and you suddenly felt intimidated at the sight of Mark's back, his body turned to the window facing the door you closed carefully behind you. All your confidence was drowning away, so you leaned your back against the wall between the panel and the bed, your fingers playing nervously with each other.

"I brought your clothes, I'm putting them on your bed…" you spoke up first in a low tone, your eyes dragged to his silhouette detoured by the moonlight seeping through the glasses as well as the bedside lamp he had turned on this time too.

Mark slowly turned around, and he seemed to be as nervous as you, his traits somehow softened but his eyes elusive, sometimes crossing yours, sometimes looking around him as if he would find the words to say written on the walls.

"So hum… The guys told me that you had something to say to me, what is it?" you added before cutting your respiration for a short while, as his stare was compressing your lungs.

He didn't know where to start, nor what to tell you exactly. Some sweat was pearling on his forehead and in the crook of his hands he quickly dried by wiping them on his thighs, and a pant faintly escaped his lips. Woodam had given him a few tools about how he should approach the subject of his fears with you, but he had forgotten every single one of them the second you had closed the door.

"C'mon, what did you want, Tuan?" you ended up asking again, the stress he was putting you through turning into an unbearable sensation numbing your whole body.

He suddenly walked closer to you while typing something on his smartphone, and you put your right hand on your chest, hoping it would calm down the crazy hammer beating up insanely the left side.

"I want to take you out on a date" he showed on his smartphone's screen, a gentle smile pulling at the corner of his pink lips, and you scoffed.

You couldn't believe it even if you were rereading it with your own two eyes. That guy surely didn't want to be understood by anyone – did he even understand himself and his changes of mind?

"Excuse me? I thought you didn't want to see me ever again?" you pointed out, your incredulity making your eyes almost go out of their holes and your jawline drop to the ground.

*That's a dumb person who wanted that, not me…* you heard Mark grumble, and you were totally lost, for words and in another endless mess of questions knocking against the walls of your head.

"Well I changed my mind, can't I?" he typed rapidly, defying you with his intense stare that pierced holes through your skull which was about to implode.

"Not after three weeks of playing dead, no, I'm sorry, you need to explain" you protected yourself as your brows knotted, your confusion making you suddenly wish you could flee the scene, as your feelings for him were going to make you fall into his arms too easily, and pretty soon.

You weren't easy. You shouldn't be easy. You shouldn't allow that guy to play you around as he wished, coming in and out of your life without caring about your feelings. Unexpectedly, you saw him striving on his screen to write the fastest he could, but you had no intentions to believe in his comeback that blindly, his words similar to a bad joke in your eyes.

"You said that you were going to wait" he quickly revealed the text in your face, and this answer was accompanied by a shrug.

And you had been waiting, all this time. You undeniably had wished for this moment he would regret, but right now, you wanted to remain on your guards, at least until he had apologized for his lack of guts that had distressed your heart for a while.

"You heard that…?" your voice merely came out as your cheeks burned, but you regained your determination in no time as him being so laid-back with his "change of mind" was somehow getting on your nerves. "Well, what if I changed my mind too, hm?" you provoked him while crossing your arms firmly.

"You didn't, or else you wouldn't have come tonight" the blonde retorted.

"I came for my friends, and to bring you back your clothes. And you're not even thinking of, I don't know, apologizing first? Just saying" you chuckled in disbelief, his straightforwardness mostly appearing as a total disregard towards your feelings, and you wouldn't accept that.

You turned away from him and grabbed the door knob to make him react differently, and the blonde seemed to be as determined as you to win this game, as his hand took over yours and dragged you right back against the wall.

You rolled your eyes but your heart was telling you how expectant you were for his next answer, while Mark was busy typing with one hand, the other one still grasping yours firmly to make sure you wouldn't go away.

"I'm not reading it unless you're apologizing to me" you said while turning your head on the left and closing your eyes.

"I wasn't asking for your permission anyway" the robotic voice you hadn't missed spoke up in his place, and when you opened your eyelids to kill him for his perspicacity, you saw that Mark was smiling proudly to himself.

He was the worst at expressing his feelings, he knew it, but he couldn't help being straightforward as he failed to feel confident otherwise. He saw your traits getting masked by surprise, but a good one as you didn't reiterate your attempt to escape, so he dangerously draw himself to you, his hands reaching up and landing at the base of your neck.

His eyes were clouding with desire, the one to kiss you right here right now in hopes you would get his sincerity just like you had that night, because he wasn't able to word it ; every time, you captivated all of his brain cells. You felt his stare on your tinted and plump lips that you licked in anticipation, and his breath became the oxygen you were inhaling, while his touch became the only sensation you were feeling.

*I know I did you wrong… I know.*

But that was before I realized… How nice it is to like someone, and to be liked by someone.

You closed your eyes as you heard his thought, and it helped you get your tough side back, that wished you could get at least one reason to let him in once again.

"How can I trust you now?" you whined despite your drying mouth, your eyes searching his as you were ready to accept him, only if he'd uncover the explanations your heart had longed for. "Tell me why should I trust you, please"

*I'm sorry Y/N. I'm sorry.* his pupils were telling you as well as his voice, but Mark was succumbing to his inner desires and needs without finding the willpower to retreat and type the freeing text you were asking for.

"Tell me why you're doing this, why you're coming back, hm?" you were begging, your breath becoming shaky as you let him get even nearer, but you were still holding onto the few willpower you had left to prove yourself you could be stronger than your crush on him.

I like you. I'll tell you everything later, I promise. *Don't push me away, please…*

You were panicking as his mouth was growing closer and closer to yours, your lips advancing on their own as you were dying to kiss him too, but the painful knots in your stomach and your brain helped you to stop him as your hands crawled up to his face you ceased.

You wanted to trust him, but you couldn't repeat the same error and accept his kisses and begs as a sufficient proof. You couldn't lose to him again, you had to seek for a clarification that was well deserved, at least for your long wait.

His eyes were looking down at you and you caught the impatient glare that crossed his pupils, so you quickly let it all out so that you both would be over with it.

"You hurt my feelings, Mark, you know that? Just tell me… Why would you say you don't want anything to do with me if we're back at doing this? You know the guys told me at the uni that you've been doing great and they said it's thanks to me, but I myself am not sure how I was helpful to you! Did I really make you happy? Didn't you regret that night like you had told me? Did you miss me?"

Mark sighed and he unexpectedly apposed a short kiss on your forehead before looking back at you, his shining eyes begging you to stop. But your overthinking mind couldn't.

"How do you expect me to trust you and believe that you're indeed ready to accept me when I don't know how is it up there? Your friends who told me I've done you good don't know about you putting me at the door, about your nightmares, about the fact that you tried to leave this world-"

Suddenly, a wave of cold hit your fiery skin as Mark's hands left their spot and he stumbled back, his eyes looking at you with horror. Your panic state had made you pour your feelings and worries out without asking your brain for a checkup beforehand, and you merely realized that you had told what had been supposed to be untold.

*Wait… The suicide. I never talked to you about it.*

"How do you know about that" he typed carefully, his hand shaking as he showed the device to you, and you felt your heart stricken, while your body got covered with chills and your head burned.

His loud breathing was suddenly back again, sign that he was containing a lot of emotions just like he had back on the balcony, and it made you panic even more. His eyes had darkened in no time and they were now staring at you with a mix of fear and incomprehension, and some tears immediately lodged themselves at the crease of your eyelids. What had you done?

"Did Dr. Hwang tell you" he revealed again as he got closer to you, and his hand slammed against the wall right next to your head pretty brutally, making you close your eyes instinctively.

"N-No, I swear he didn't tell me, he wouldn't" you ensured him while shaking your head that had dropped down.

"Then how the fuck do you know about that" Mark asked one last time, his body being so close to yours that it felt suffocating, so were the sobs you were barely fighting back as you were terrified of what was going to happen next.

What were you supposed to do? Were you really going to blow out all the hard work your godfather and your parents had done to help you protect your secret? You were running out of excuses, your mind emptying itself as you finally felt sorry for what you had done to him up till now. The familiar guilt you had stopped feeling was coming back at you and took its proper revenge by exposing your intrusive side to the man you liked.

"I-I know it's unbelievable but…" you muttered as you had finally broke out into tears, and you couldn't stop your heart from speaking for you. "B-But I can h-hear… I can hear thoughts"

After a life of keeping it safe, you had bluntly blew up your cover, just like that. Mark walked backwards a second time, his head shaking from the left to the right, and he now looked at you with a hint of betrayal, his furrowed brows deepening his stare that was killing you even more than your shame.

*What the fuck are you saying…*

"I-I can hear thoughts, I'm not lying… Not everything, only… The bad ones... And with you I can't help but hear it. I tried to stop it, I really tried Mark, but I couldn't you-"

*Stop it, stop lying, stop it* you heard his faint voice infiltrating your head and cutting you in your messy speech, and it spilled some more tears on your cheeks.

His tone was clearly inducing how hurt he was feeling right now, and out of despair, your feet took you closer to him, but Mark kept on going backwards, his hand putting itself before him in defense.

So that was it? That was why he had felt so in tune with you? So that was why he had felt understood?  So that was why you had been an answer and a solution to all of his problems?

His already broken heart was turning to ashes consuming themselves into his steaming body, steaming with anger, with sadness, with disgust ; a mixture that would have been enough to kill him, if he wasn't already feeling dead on the inside.

You, who had been the one to give him the pleasure to live again, had just taken this gift right back from him, and Mark was now facing the sad truth according which you really had been the only thing that had made him want to do something with his life lately, because your deceiving revelation hurt him as much as when he lost his mother.

"Since when do you hear things?" he unexpectedly played on his phone as your pupils were fixing the ground in order to avoid his look that defended you to lie to him.

"Since I was born." you confessed in a merely audible voice.

Mark inhaled a deep breath of air before combing his hair, his eyes shortly closing as he tried to put up with your sayings.

"What did you hear with me?" he then asked again, and he eventually came to you to grab your shoulder so that you'd read his question yourself, his grasp becoming painful the more the seconds passed, but you knew you deserved it.

He shook you a few times as you were taking your time to answer, his breath coming loudly from his nose as breathing was his only way to keep his cool so that he wouldn't smash every single thing around him in this room.

"Everything that's not good, for you, and that's why I can't help but hear them, you've… You've got so many of them. I'm so sorry…" you apologized in vain, your eyes still not courageous enough to look him in his own, as you knew the pain you'd read there wouldn't be bearable.

All the pieces of the puzzle were starting to gather, and Mark could now see the big picture, his brain slowly starting to remember every single time he had been blown away by your accurate answers, and even your silent conversation you had had when he had pleaded you to stay. He wished he had recalled it sooner, because this souvenir of you getting his silent needs and sharing something he would have thought as beautiful hadn't it been tainted by your acting, was the most painful out of every others.

Mark let go of you and he started to chuckle, a sound that should be joyful but that sounded so sad right now. He lolled his head in the back to repel his tears of anger, and when it fell back down to stare at you, he lost it as his heart somehow ached to see you cry.

*Stop crying, you have no right to do this. And YOU were asking ME for apologies and explanations? But don't you know everything already?*

You remained quiet as you were totally distraught by this awful situation. Truthfully, you wished he could put you on some pyre and ignite it with all the despise he was containing right now, as you felt like the devil itself, so all you deserved was to burn in hell.

*And here I thought I just found someone who could match with me and love me as I am, but all this time you were cheating. You were a fucking imposter. I can't believe it you're-*

"No Mark listen to me, I wasn't faking what I said I meant every single word, every time" you directly responded, not caring about being cautious of your sentences now that he knew.

The boy's eyes opened wide in infuriation, his glare frightening you to the fullest, and when your hands reached out to try and get a hold of his arms so that he'd listen to you, Mark violently pushed them away. You spotted the water that was sparkling under his pupils, and you gulped down your need to whimper out loud, your body suddenly aching down to each ends.

*So that's how you're going to do your job huh? You're going to be a fucking con artist? You must have had fun playing with me. Of course there was a lot to entertain yourself because I'm a fucking mess full of "bad thoughts"*

"No that's not like that at all, it's just with you because-"

*GET OUT OF MY FUCKING HEAD! YOU HEAR ME? GET OUT!* he burst out as he realized you kept on hearing his hatred thoughts about you.

"Mark please…" you kept on begging, your vision blurred by your waterworks and your head falling back down in defeat and shame.

*I SAID GET OUT OF MY HEAD!* he kept on screaming internally as he grasped his hair, a painful expression drowning on his face.

"I'm so sorry I can't control it, but I never meant to hurt you you need to believe me…"

*I must be crazy, aren't I? I'm crazy? I'm crazy!* Mark was losing it right in front of your two eyes and you were running out of words, and out of breath. *Can you still hear what I'm thinking right now? It's pretty bad so yeah the witch you are should*

You nodded silently and Mark chuckled sarcastically again, before his hands brushed his face which traits were now depicting the look of someone possessed. You were powerless, this moment being the one you had feared all your life, this moment making you hate yourself and your special ability as they called it when you had always thought it was a curse, even when you had helped with it, even when your godfather had tried to make you confident about it, because in the end, you should be resumed to how Mark's terrified eyes were picturing you right now. A cheating monster, intruding people's secret garden.

His own tears were more than threatening as he kept looking at you who were crying before him. He had been about to open up to someone, he had been about to trust someone again, he had been about to try and live a better life with your hand in his ; but this person he had magnified, this person he had allowed himself to have feelings for by breaking his cage keeping himself apart from anyone since two years, this person he had thought would complete his broken self when in fact she had faked to be understanding him with her heart as it had been thanks to her calculative mind, had just stabbed him with the most cutting knife she had found.

*Yeah you do? Then hear this out : SCREW YOU*

And with that being said, Mark exited his own bedroom, storming past you like a tornado ravaging everything around it as you felt like you were breaking down the second he disappeared, your knees feeling weak and making you land pitifully on the mattress next to you.

You perceived your friends' shocked reactions at Mark's appearance in the living room, before the place got quiet as he smashed the front door. The only sound cutting through the thick silence but maintaining the breathtaking tension were your sobs you completely let out, without preventing your whimpers to escape your torn body.

Well, not exactly the only sound. Not for you, at least.

*I hate her. I hate her. I hate her…*

                                      To be continued...

                  A/N : I’m having exams at the end of the month so I might pause the writing for Part 4, but I already started it! Thanks for waiting and sorry in advance...

[bbparker]

I Found You Pt.2 (Loki Laufeyson Soulmate AU)

Summary: (Y/n)’s soulmate tattoo is Loki in Nordic runes and now thinks fate is playing with her and he doesn’t exist because they gave her a mythological god. During the battle of NY (y/n) happens to meet him but what occurs once the battle is over? 

A/N: Helloo beautiful people, i’m back with an update (finallyyyyy) I’m super not proud of this ahaha feels like a bit of a filler but i’ll be back soon with more!

Pairings: Loki x Reader &  Steve Rogers x Reader

Warnings: Crazy fucking reader

[Part 1] [Part 3]

Masterlist

(Gif belongs to @lokitty )

“Excuse you?” His eyebrows shot up.

“You’re Loki?”

“You weren’t listening,” Loki said this as more of a statement rather than a question. With shoulders dropped and looking as if he regretted talking to her at all, (y/n) huffed in a slight laugh at his demeanor.  

“No! No, sorry I was, I was… it's just… well- “

“Spit it out mortal.” The distance between Loki and (y/n) growing smaller as he slowly advanced menacingly on her. Choosing actions over words, (y/n) turned her head to the side slowly, still unsure if he meant her harm but the thought quickly left her head. This was her soulmate, or so she thought, he wouldn’t do that... would he?  

The distance between them was so short that if (y/n) were to reach her arm out just slightly, she’d be touching him and oh how she wanted to finally touch him. (Y/n) tucked her hair away from her ear and Loki seemed to step ever slightly closer to glance at what she was trying to show him.

A light touch fell behind her ear making (y/n) slightly jump, causing Loki to quickly retract his hand and cough lightly, coming to his senses. 

“Why pray to ask, would you, a Midgardian, have my name in our ancient language behind your ear?”  Loki looked at her in wonder, never seeing such a strange thing on a Midgardian.

Turning so fast that Loki barely had time to move back, suddenly they were face-to-face. Their noses almost touching and for once Loki could do nor say nothing. Looking down into (y/n)’s gaze, he felt ensnared within her eyes. Like her very sights would put him on the verge of madness and set him to go any lengths just to see her look at him that way again.

“Do you truly not know what…” Seeing Loki’s eyes watching hers softly, (y/n) knew that he had no idea what she was talking about but indeed felt something. 

A thought suddenly struck her. Did Asgardians even get a soulmate tattoo? Oh god, her other half didn’t even know he had another half. Loki watched as her expression went from soft and caring to steel and slowly she moved backwards. Ripping himself away from petty thoughts, Loki’s manic smile returned, stalking towards (y/n) in a predator versus prey manner.

“No darling, what I’m more interested in is that small amount of power you seemed to possess, turning into the god of lies is not an easy task. Let alone for a mortal to perform such a trick. So, tell me, where do you hail from? Alfhiem? Asgard? Possibly even Svaltelhiem?”

“What?” (y/n) was so confused and distracted with the idea of her soulmate standing right in front of her, she’d almost forgotten the battle around her and the reason this had all occurred. Tripping over a rock behind her as she tried to back off even further, Loki caught her arm and pulled her into his chest. 

“You’re not going anywhere darling, we’ve only just begun to have fun.” (y/n) began to struggle before suddenly freezing in place and Loki was almost worried for her sudden stillness.

When Loki grabbed her, sudden memories of Luke her grabby co-worker resurfaced, nobody touches her like this; soulmate or no. She was still that strong woman who didn’t need a soulmate. 

Venom dripped from her words as her gaze slowly lifted from his chest to glare at Loki through her lashes. As he watched her, the amount of menace leaking of the small mortal astonished him. That entrapping gaze watched him through her lashes.

Her tone and mouth felt like honey as the words dripped from her mouth, it felt almost foreign, yet familiar. 

“Release me, or I swear by all that is mighty I will tear you limb from limb. God or not, do not test me Loki because you will lose.”  And Loki listened, much to the surprise of both parties. Something in Loki flickered like a flame, what he felt was…odd. Affection, shock, and pride, yet he also felt hatred; how dare a tiny human, a mortal, threaten a God like this! 

She should be punished! Conflicting with himself, Loki said nothing else and grabbed (y/n) again, pulling her to him by her arm. Suddenly her vision was upside down as Loki carried her to his flying chariot. She needed to be studied, for Loki was too curious to let her go. 

This woman had powers, she stood up to him and not to mention (y/n) had managed to speak in the mother tongue of Asgard, which no mortal had ever had the likes to hear or read about; so, how had she done so? It seemed she hadn’t realised it either.

(Y/n) thrashed around trying to get herself released, but nothing seemed to be working. 

“Let me go, you absolute ass-wipe!” Loki let a smile slightly slip at the odd profanity, before masking it in time to settle her on the flying machine and set off.

 “Oh, hell no!” (y/n) was suddenly sitting on the floor perfectly still and holding onto the railing, closing her eyes. He glanced down at her in a bored manner and (y/n) felt the fighting flame within her be extinguished. If there was one thing that terrified her most of all, it was heights.

Loki watched as her hatred seeped away, twisting into pure fear, making something within Loki squeeze. He didn’t like seeing it, but he could do nothing when he was so close to a soldier; not that he would have anyways. 

‘I am a God I do not comfort petty girls who are afraid of heights.’  Shaking his head clear of the wondering thoughts, Loki’s senses tingled and luckily perfectly timed, he caught an arrow in his hand. Looking back to the archer, he seemed to be questioning these mortal’s intellect. An arrow versus a Go-

Before Loki could even finish the thought an explosion and he was thrown off the chariot. Strangely his first thoughts were not of where he was to land but rather what of the mortal? Landing, Loki rolled up instantly and glanced around to locate her and there is where he saw her. 

Falling. 

Loki’s heart hammered too fast to register and his mind flew in a thousand different directions. Yet, he could do nothing but scream “NO!” The curious being he’d failed to ask so many questions. To study her, learn her powers and possibly gain her on his side for the taking.

A red blurry object suddenly flew past the building Loki was situated upon and caught her. Breathing some sigh of relief, Loki stood and began trying to work out his problem with this mortal. 

Why was he so affected by her? Was she an enchantress? Probably. Loki couldn’t consider this too much as a big green force smashed into him, causing him to go flying through the remaining windows of Stark’s tower.

(Y/n)’s P.O.V

When (y/n) finally woke, she felt the stiffness of a bed beneath her and the smell of a sterile environment. 

 “What the hell?”

“I think I should ask you that, (y/n)” She quickly sat up in surprise, wincing before looking over to a worried Clint Barton. 

“Clint, the-the city it’s being attacked, we have to-” 

“(y/n) it’s okay, it’s okay! It’s over, we finished them off.”

“You… finished them off?” (y/n) stared blankly at Clint as he looked back at her, almost guilty. “I haven’t been completely honest with you when it comes to my job. I-” (y/n) suddenly cut him off with a smile.

“Clint, you don’t have to. I’m fine with not knowing, I’m just your coffee gal.” 

“Well you’re going to see it anyway, so might as well.”

As Clint sat and explained to (y/n) his duty as a S.H.I.E.L.D agent (now not so secret) and how Thor had saved her after he blew up Loki’s carriage with her, unknowingly to them, in there. 

“I’m really sorry (y/n) I didn’t know you were with him. Which brings me to the question that’s on everyone on bases minds. What were you doing with him?”

(Y/n) looked guiltily around the room as if her very soulmate tattoo was her own doing and by choice. Clint’s eyebrows came together in a frown as he watched her oddly quiet behaviour. A door opening broke the pair’s concentration as (y/n) looked up to find a certain captain in her doorway. 

“Steve! Hello!” (y/n) behaviour was suddenly upbeat, excited to see him once again. Clint narrowed his eyes in confusion, half opening his mouth and pointing between the two. No one was paying attention to Clint as they were focussed on each other.

“(Y/n), I’m glad you’re up.” Steve smiled softly, looking down to the cheesy, yellow flowers he held in his hand. (y/n) followed his eye line and saw the flowers, gasping in excitement before attempting to sit up. 

Both men moved quickly towards her as she let out a gasp of pain, trying to help her sit up and get comfortable. When she was finally settled, (y/n)’s smile returned again. 

“Are… are those for me Steve?” Pointing lightly with her casted arm to the yellow flowers. “Yeah, I uh figured I’d see how you’re doing after the whole almost world ending thing…”

Scratching the back of his head shyly, (y/n) indicated with her arms that she wanted them. Passing them to her as she cradled and smelt them. Closing her eyes, (y/n) held the flowers close to her. 

It had been a while since anybody (besides Clint, but he never got her flowers so…) had anybody had treated her with so much kindness. Her eyes remained closed as a picture of eyes formed behind her eyelids. They were a mischievous green with subtle hues of blue. Opening her eyes suddenly, she gasped clutching the flowers tighter within her hands. Her vision clouded with the green eyes and her ears pounded with the melodic, deep laugh of her soulmate. 

“Get the doctor, quickly!” She heard someone leave the room quickly a face in front of her but all she could see was green eyes. 

“(Y/n), stay calm. It’s okay, stay with me.” 

“Green.” (y/n) strangled out, it seemed to be the only word her brain could get out as a burning sensation crawled over her body in waves. What she meant was Loki, that’s what she needed. Something was very wrong and (y/n) knew it had to do with Loki. 

“What, (y/n), what’s green?” The face became more blurred as she let out a final scream of 

“LOKI!”

--------------------------------

(Y/n) woke for the second time in the stiff bed with a worried Clint leaning over her.

“Clint? What happened?”

“Hey, you were out again for a couple hours but the doctors said nothing was wrong. Something went very…uh, right?” He couldn’t seem to find the correct words. 

“What do you mean?” (y/n)’s eyebrows furrowed as she stared Clint with her piercing gaze. “You’re almost completely healed, (y/n). The doctors can’t even explain the phenomena that happened, it’s like you’ve been healing for weeks rather than a couple days. Also…”

“What is it?” Sitting up, (y/n) felt less resistance in her once broken arm, though it still stung, she faced Clint head on. 

“You called for Loki.” (y/n) blushed five shades of red, all the way to the tips of her ears and turned away to look outside the window.

“(Y/N) if there’s something you need to tell me, it will stay between us. Plus, I think I already have some sort of clue…”

(Y/n) looked up into her friend’s eyes, water slightly pooling in her eyes. No, she wouldn’t cry over this and so, she sniffed and blinked to clear it away. Her soulmate doesn’t determine who she is.

“Loki, he’s… he’s my soulmate, Clint.”

“Yup, definitely knew it.”

A laugh suddenly escaped her mouth while Clint’s face remained blank. (Y/n)’s face suddenly drawing to a blank as a question popped into her mind. 

“Now, I know this might sound terrible considering he just invaded us and all, but Clint, I have to know, is he… is Loki dead?” Her eyes teared up thinking about the possibility that her soulmate was dead. 

Terrible or not, he was still hers and some part of her still wanted him to be okay despite his flaws. She’d waited too long, cried and suffered too much to come so close and have him torn away. She was a strong, independent woman and having something that you’ve always desired before you only to have it torn away so quickly, is devastating for anyone no matter how strong. 

“(Y/N), I’m so sorry... Both times while you were out, you had constant seizures and we almost lost you twice. We suspect it was your bodies response to his death.” Clint squeezed his eyes shut and looked away as a mortified scream left (y/n)’s lips.  

He couldn’t be! It wasn’t… No!

“No! You’re wrong!” She watched his face, not opening his eyes and not even facing her. 

“ How-? Did you-?” Words failed her as she tried to understand the gravity.

He was there, right in front of her. Close enough to touch.

 Clint looked guiltily at her, “S.H.I.E.L.D. … This morning.”  

“NO!” (Y/N) roared in mortification. If she’d only woken up earlier, explained that he was her soulmate! 

(Y/n) stood up abruptly, throwing the blankets off herself and ripping out the needles and wires, trying to put distance between herself and Clint as he tried to console her with his arms. 

(Y/n) constantly pushed him away, “Stay away from me!” Her voice was powerful, causing Clint to freeze at the sheer power. The door slamming open, (y/n) saw Steve enter the room in a panic. 

“What is going on in here?” 

“I-I can’t.” Clint whispered, abruptly leaving the room, head down while on his way out. Steve watched him leave before returning his sights to (y/n).

“I’m leaving.” (y/n) glared at him. She tried to leave through the door but Steve blocked the door with his body. 

“I’m sorry (y/n), but you can’t.”

“The hell I can’t Rogers. Just watch me.” Steve winced at his last name, it didn’t sound right coming from (y/n). 

“I’m sorry, it’s orders. You’re not allowed to leave.” He attempts to say it softly but there was no way to say it without sounding cold. (Y/n)’s narrowed eyebrows and eyes suddenly smoothed out. 

“I’m not only here because I’m injured, am I?” Steve just stared back with guilt. The feeling seemed to be going around like a fever.

(Y/n) knew she wouldn’t get past Steve so she decidedly walked right over the window and looked out into the world. She did this so calmly, that Steve felt a shiver run down his spine, similar to a feeling he got from Loki upon their first meeting. 

She was stuck here because they had already known Loki was her soulmate. They would have seen her tattoo and known instantly as she had. But Loki was gone and she was stuck here with people she barely knew and her only two friends seemed to be betraying her for some secret company.

“(Y/N) …” Steve tried, moving slowly closer. 

“Get. Out.” Steve stood still, not wanting to leave her alone. He knew what it was like to lose one’s soulmate. It was a stab to the heart, an empty feeling that’s irreplaceable, a cold cry into the abyss.

“Please, I don’t want you to be alone.”

Turning to look at Steve over her shoulder she saw the two-way glass situated just behind Steve, opposite her, and decided to stalk towards it with fists clenched. 

“Alone? I’ve been alone all my life and I’ll be damned if anyone thinks they can walk into my life and suddenly dictate what I can and can’t do.” Turning to Steve so quick, it almost made him jump. Tilting her head ever so slightly, (y/n)’ voice was strong and fierce, yet it was spoken slowly; insanely calm that the toughest men would quiver before it.

“I’ve met men like the ones you work for Rogers, they’ve pushed me down all my life, think they can control me, but just watch as I’ll prove every one of you just how wrong you can be.” She smiled menacingly at Steve before retreating back to the window.

Behind a two-way mirror, one Tony Stark turned to an eye-patched man, Fury. 

“They share the flare for drama, don’t they?”

“Stark, I want to know everything about this girl. She says she dangerous, then let’s treat her like she’s the worst damn criminal we’ve ever captured.” Tony looked at Fury in disbelief. 

“Fury, she’s a kid, let her go. She met Loki for all of two seconds and we’ve just told her he’s dead, by our hands.” He didn’t seem to look like it was changing his mind. Tony huffed and turned his back to the glass, looking anywhere else but the broken girl in the room.

“We’re creating enemies faster than we’re making friends. She thinks he’s dead, can you even imagine a sliver of the pain of losing your soulmate? Then sticking her in a room, just after her only two friends are betraying and lying to her, with her thoughts is bound to drive someone mad. Then she’ll find out and all hell will break loose. We already had a witness account of her having some similar magic abilities to reindeer games. The longer we keep her here, the more chance someone’s going to let slip of little magic boy’s interrogation cell downstairs.”

Fury crossed his arms and turned from Stark to the girl, ignoring his little spiel. “I want to know more about her Stark. I’ll give you three days.”

Tony huffed and walked away and as he did the shattering of a glass vase against the wall in the room was heard. Steve moving out of the room quickly avoiding the items being thrown, (y/n) practically storming after him. 

“LET ME OUT!”

[Part 3]

TAGS

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[manifesting25]

Day 16/100 Days of Productivity

30/01/22

Helloooo peeps!!!!

It was weekend so didn't get much accomplished but ofc got a bit of rest, to some extent.

So here's what I did:

1. WORKED OUT FINALLY!!!!! again started from day 1 of my yoga plan cos it's been a long while since I did. (🤣Just look at the gaps between each session) Felt really great after all that stretching

2. Worked a bit on the International Trade and Business assignment.

3. Sorted through all the emails that I had neglected. Finally 😤

4. Figured things out for the e-business assignment with a friend. Well now we have a list of things we need in our website and have divided the work too. Tho I'm still bit nervous whether sir will consider this idea/assignment good enough or not, cos like it's a major assignment this sem. Let's hope it goes well 🤞

5. Finallyyyyy got the second interview for my entrepreneurship assignment. And in fact this one was the best so far. The entrepreneur was so nice and answered all our questions and we even talked more than just those questions we had framed.

After all that I was pretty exhausted on coming home so had some rest. * Chilled * a bit 🤣👀

Overall the weekend went well. Got some things done but didn't get enough rest in last three days ig n that's why ended up sleeping around 9.5 hours, again. 🤣

I do hope this week goes productive in terms of business work as well as uni work. 🌸

[confidenceatitsfinest]

“Who were you with?” for everyonexkook pretty please?

AHAHAHHAHAHAHA I’m back to finallyyyyy fill something that’s been sent in so freaking long ago and I’m so sorry. I say this every time but I’m actually so sorry for making you guys wait so long, but here it is???? I’m finally done with this. Also this turned out a little more ot7, but I tried to focus on kookie and everyone. 

Jungkook tried to sneak into the dorm as silently aspossible, opening the door slowly and wincing as it creaked with every inch. Eventhe soft click of the door closing made him grit his teeth and pray that noneof his hyungs were awake. He knew how late Yoongi hyung and Namjoon hyungstayed up to write music but he really wished they’d decided to go to bedearlier today. He couldn’t afford to have Jin hyung finding out and giving himthe lecture of a lifetime. But as expected, he was rarely ever that luckybecause as soon as he turned around to tiptoe back to his room, the lights flickeredon. Jungkook froze in place and held his breath, as if staying still wouldsomehow make him invisible.

“Jeon Jungkook.” His own name never sounded so scary.

“J-Jin hyung! What are you doing up?” Jungkook laughed nervously,scratching the back of his head.

Jin cocked his head to the side, hand on his hip, “I shouldbe asking you that. Or should I say, why were you out so late?”  

Jungkook was about to open his mouth and explain his wayout of the mess he was in but a groggy voice interrupted him.

“Hyung? Why is it so loud?” Hoseok appeared around thecorners, rubbing the sleepiness from his eyes. When he caught sight of theyoungest, his expression immediately morphed into one of concern and relief atthe same time. He ran over to smother Jungkook in a hug and gently scold himfor worrying them all.

“Sorry, hyung. I didn’t mean to, I just lost track of timeagain.” He hugged Hoseok back and looked over his shoulder at Jinapologetically in what he hoped looked sincere enough to gain forgiveness.

Jin sighed, “Jungkookie, you know I don’t like being angrywith you but can you at least tell me who you were with? You’ve been gone solate these past few nights and frankly, we all get very worried about yoursafety when you don’t even take a second to send us a text.”

Now, Jungkook felt ten times guiltier but he had no choicebut to meet his helper at those odd times. He frowned, but decided that hidingsecrets from Jin never ended well.

“I’ve been meeting with Taemin hyung every night. I wantedto prepare a surprise for Jiminnie hyung’s birthday and I needed his help.Hyung is really busy and our group practices always take up the day so I couldonly do it at those hours. I…I’m sorry.” Jungkook dropped his head in shame,already thinking of ways to make it up to his members.

Jin’s eyes softened and Hoseok continued to gently rubcircles into Jungkook’s back. Hoseok was the one who spoke up first, “Yah, didyou really think we couldn’t keep a secret?”

“Hyung! It’s not-”

“I know sweetheart, I was just teasing you.” Jungkookgroaned but nuzzled further into Hoseok’s neck.

“I’m still sorry, I should’ve told you all but I thought Icould handle it myself without bothering any of you.”

Jin cocked his hip, “Jungkookie, we’d very much rather haveyou bother us than keep quiet and put yourself in potential danger.”

“I won’t do it again, I promise.” Jin smiled and reachedout to pet his hair gently. 

“Now come on, you can come sleep with me tonight and we cansurprise Jiminnie in the morning with a cake to his face okay?” Hoseok held hishand, tugging him along to his room.

Jungkook giggled and leaned over to kiss Jin’s cheek beforefollowing Hoseok, his body screaming at him to indulge in the warm sheets ofhis hyung’s bed.

The next day, Jimin woke up to a face full of whipped creamfrosting and an excited Jungkook bouncing by his bedside. He found himself notminding the wakeup call, letting Jungkook kiss the cream off his face.

Yoongi had grumbled awake from the chaos next door but evenhe couldn’t help but smile as he watched the youngest laughing so happily,limbs thrown over the birthday boy. Jin sidled up beside him wordlessly.

“It’s nice to see them like this again. Jimin was prettysad Jungkook-ah wasn’t there to pull all-nighters with him these last fewdays.”

“Yeah, but I think it’s worth it,” Yoongi looked at him inconfusion, “You’ll see what I mean tonight.”

By now, Taehyung, boxy smile reaching his eyes, had joinedthe fray while Namjoon frantically tried to stop them from knocking anythingover. Ironically, his arm hit the lamp on the nightstand and he watched inhorror as it broke into several pitiful pieces on the ground. Jin only sighedbefore going to the kitchen for a broom to clean up the little pieces.

“I didn’t mean to!” Namjoon looked sheepish as Yoongi shookhis head.

“Ah hyung, we need to go lamp shopping now.” Taehyungsounded way too excited about that idea, remembering what had happened the lasttime they went shopping as a group.

Jungkook hugged Namjoon around his waist, “It’s okay Jooniehyung, that lamp needed to be replaced ayways. Hey Jiminnie hyung, do you wanta new lamp for your birthday?”

Jimin laughed, the sound light and happy, “Sure, but don’tlet Namjoon hyung pick.” Namjoon cried out indignantly but smiled anyways.

Jungkook leaned closer to Jimin’s ear to whisper, “Hyung, Ihave something special to show you tonight. I worked really, really hard on itso don’t forget okay?”

Jimin nodded and flashed him a gentle smile to whichJungkook returned instantly. It didn’t take long for Taehyung to squeeze himselfbetween the two of them, rambling on about today’s plans.

‘Yeah, this was worth all those sleepless night.’ With thatthought, Jungkook followed the 95 line to the kitchen where Jin had chocolatechip pancakes waiting.

[bregjetokorea]

3. University application

In this post I was initially going to track all the preparations I am doing before leaving for Korea but I realized it was going to be too lengthy. I did try to code in page jumps but Tumblr didn’t want me to do that, so I decided to break it up into two parts: application and final preparations. This is the first part. It’s still long because the entire process, from being nominated to being accepted, took over 3 full months! I tried to just create a log of each step I took in this process. Perhaps boring, perhaps not. Here we go.

  Nominated for a semester at Myongji

September 24, 2019 

Today I received the news that I have been nominated for a semester abroad at Myongji University (명지대학교)! I am very happy because it was my first pick. My dad is also really happy because I told him Park Ji-Sung is a Myongji alumnus (actually, he really didn’t care). Next to being happy I’m also relieved because my friend and classmate Bo-Jenna was nominated as well, so we get to go together! Maybe it’s my anxiety playing again but going together feels a lot more comfortable than going just by myself, knowing that I’ll always have a friend there who is going through the same culture shock as I am, who I can always check with and I won’t ever feel like a complete loner. So, there’s that, I am really excited!

Getting nominated is however just the first step of a semester abroad and a torrent of information will be coming my way in the next few weeks. Below is a broad overview of some practical things that I should expect the next coming weeks:

My home university will send a nomination to my partner university in the next two weeks, and they will tell them that they wish for me to study at their university.

Within a few weeks, the partner university will send information about the application and possible forms.

I will register with the partner university, following their guidelines and submitting the requested documents. It is very important to familiarize myself with the deadlines of Myongji university!

After submitting the application, the partner university will inform me about the status of the application.

Once I have been accepted, I can make all the necessary arrangements, for example flight tickets, visa, etc.

So that’s it for now. I will update once I know more.

  Application time!

September 30, 2019 

I received the application information from Myongji University! The deadline is quite tight so the first thing I did was try to make an appointment with my doctor for a consult on which vaccinations I need for traveling. I need to provide proof of vaccinations and test results in my application. I also checked my health insurance but so far it seems nothing needs to be changed for traveling abroad and even my vaccinations will be insured (when I found out my brain made a mental dance of joy because dear lord jesus I didn’t know vaccinations were that expensive). I still need to look into other insurances like liability and travel insurance but I’ll save that for later, it’s not part of the application. I have 2 months to prepare all the documents I need. Usually deadlines and me are not the greatest duo and I end up submitting everything the latest possible moment, but now I am really serious when I say that I’d really like to have everything ready within the next month. That way there might be a small chance of being accepted sooner so that I can apply for a visa well in time. And let’s be real, I think I’m really gonna need this attitude in Korea too considering the competitive culture.

  Getting vaxxed

October 16, 2019 

Today I finallyyyyy had my doctor’s consult regarding my vaccinations. I guess I was a little too enthusiastic when making my appointment because initially I booked with an institution that wouldn’t insure my vaccinations (always check the fine print, guys), so I had to cancel that one and wait LONG (only two weeks but I’m impatient). But in conclusion, the consultation really is something you cannot skip because which vaccinations you’ll need to get all depends on your personal situation and your budget. The ones I got today are: Hepatitis A/B and DPT. I need to get a few repeat vaccinations and have a blood test done, but I’m not sure if I can do all of this within one sit yet. Which is kinda annoying because I have to take a half-day session off for it. But it’s all for a good cause of course and I’d rather not have jaundice or putty-like stools or whatever may be the weird ass symptoms of all those scary diseases. 

Going to my doc is of course not the only thing I have done so far. A few days ago I had my visa pictures taken. It’s early but I needed new pictures for the application so I thought it would be wise to combine these. Visa photos can be no older than 6 months so I’m good. There’s a lot more to it actually. Korean visa photos need to have a white background and a whole lot of other specs that are different from Dutch passport photos. This is another thing that I never would have thought about, but I’m glad the kind man at the photo studio knew exactly what to do. Furthermore, I have filled in most of my application forms and have received all of my recommendation letters. I requested all of these from the international office at the beginning of the application because apparently every document needs to be signed and it could take some time. But honestly everything is going a lot faster than I thought. The only documents I still need are my blood test results and a transcript from my home university, but that is just a waiting game for now.

  The things I’m willing to go through for traveling... amazing

October 28, 2019 

And yet I got jabbed another needle in my arm; a Mantoux shot to test if I’m tuberculosis negative. It hurt a LOT more than the vaccinations... like a burning stingy sensation, so you’ll be warned if you ever need to have this done. I would have gone to get this tested way earlier but my doctor was quite confused about how to test for tuberculosis at all. I don’t blame them; Myongji is saying some contradicting things in the application form (the language barrier problems have started, guys). After some consulting I am now pretty sure I just need to provide negative test results. But… my doc called me last week telling me I couldn’t get it done with them, so, today, I traveled all the way to the health services location, that of course is nowhere close to my home, to get my shot. Also, I was a bit stupid and got lost in the hospital while looking for the tuberculosis center (it isn’t located in the hospital itself, lol) so I came in late. But everything else went pretty smoothly, I told them to have the statement prepared in English, and I will need to come back in 2 days to pick it up. 

Meeting my travel buddies

October 30, 2019 

This morning I picked up my tuberculosis test results. They were negative, luckily; I didn’t endure the veritable hell that was ~ that shot ~ for nothing. Or maybe I’m exaggerating a little bit about how intense it was, who knows. Anyways, the morning was a fast process (I didn’t get lost this time) and I could, fortunately, get my statement written in English like I had indicated two days ago. 

After that, I went to Eindhoven, where my home university is, because they organized a pre-departure event this afternoon for all students who are going abroad in the Spring semester. It was nice coming back to university for once and seeing my friends again, as this internship life is draining all the energy out of me and don’t meet with them often anymore. It was also fun to see how many people from different study programs chose to go abroad. We first sat in on a plenary session on how to prepare for our minor abroad. Then a student shared her experiences of living abroad in the US. But then came the fun part: a networking event where students could mingle and meet the other students travelling to the same country! So, I finally met a bunch of people who are going to South Korea! I was so surprised to see how many people are actually going and even more surprised plus a little relieved to hear that most people’s main motivation to travel wasn’t because of Hallyu. I also heard from a bunch of people they didn’t get to go to their first choice, so I’m obviously really happy that Bo-Jenna and I do. Eventually I met the 4 other students who are going to Myongji. They seem really nice and everyone’s super excited. We created a group chat in which we can discuss the application. This one girl had asked Myongji for a course list of the English courses and she shared them with us, so we can actually start to already make a selection for the learning agreement! We also talked about housing and gained some helpful insights from the others. It for sure was an interesting afternoon!

  Finishing touches

November 13, 2019 

Another afternoon was spent at the doctor’s to have my final vaccinations injected. An interval of a month was needed in between the first two hepatitis combo vaccinations. I will receive the third one once I return from Korea to be fully protected. I also had a regular checkup including an eye test and blood pressure check. What I still need though, is a blood check for hepatitis B. I thought I could get this done today, but apparently I can’t. My doc told me to come by next week but I am scared I won’t make the deadline so I made sure to plan for this in two days, which could be too soon, but I’m willing to take a risk. Not sure if the results are going to be what I hope for, but they have to be.

We also found out a couple of days ago that all Myongji students, including exchange students, are required to take Chapel classes (?? are they called classes, I don’t know??), which will be FUN because we didn’t know about it before applying. I of course knew Myongji rests on a Christian founding spirit and education policy but I never thought Chapel is a must thing for every student. Myongji students actually opposed resistance to chapel requirements over a decade ago. And classes will nowadays, apart from praying, singing hymns and listening to sermons, also feature different programs like dance performances and lectures that convey Christian values to students in a more friendly way, and to attract the attention of non-Christian students. So, I’m guessing it will actually not be that bad after all and I’m quite interested in learning how this works in an educational environment. It’s funny because the country expert we met at the pre-departure event told me we would tops see a cross on the classroom walls when it comes to Christianity presentation. She didn’t know about it either. But I’m fine with it really, I am Christian after all, I just need to get used to the idea.

Last doctor’s visit

November 15, 2019

In the early morning I went to my doctor’s again to get tested for hepatitis B and to check my blood type because I didn’t know. I called my GP and the hospital I was born in but there weren’t any records of my blood type so only thing I could do is get tested for it as well. I will get the results of both hopefully early next week. And then I’m done y’all!!

Bo-Jenna has already sent her application to Myongji and the housing company URSeoul a couple of days ago. Which is good because we are planning on sharing a room together, which she mentioned in the form, so they already know that we are going to be applying together. We will be living in Twin City Namsan which has the most convenient location ever as the building is connected to Seoul Station and subway station. They have partnered with Myongji and therefore also offer shuttle buses to the university. They work with a first come first served principle so it’s a good thing they at least know us now. They told us that I need to send my registration form, for them to send us invoice, so I’m just waiting until I get the results right now. Kind of a bummer but we need to pay all of the rent up front but I guess that’s normal in SK.

It’s getting annoying now

November 21, 2019

More waiting! I called in on my doc two days ago but the blood tests results weren’t in yet. They told me to call them today, so I did. But when I called, the results still weren’t there. My doc said they would call the lab asking why it took so long. Turned out, the results were actually already there so they faxed it to my doc. My mom picked up the documents, and everything was fine, until I saw they put on my sister’s name on the document.... Apparently, the lab made a mistake... The correct stickers were stuck to the blood tubes, but because my sister had done a stools test earlier this year, she was in their system and I wasn’t yet. And since we’re twins, they blatantly assumed it was me that was in their system. The lab promised me that the correct documents will be digitally forwarded to my GP tomorrow. I’m really mad because they haven’t even checked my social security number which is like ?? normal procedure ?? So goes to show, I am glad I set the goal of being done a month early because if I hadn’t then maybe I would have missed the deadline.

I applied...!!!

November 22, 2019 

My sister picked up the correct test results for me today. Luckily they came in well. With this, I could finish my application!! I have applied!!!! This afternoon I sent my application to my home university and they will send it to Myongji. I also applied for the housing right after. So now we wait!!

mmm

December 6, 2019

It’s been two weeks since I applied, and I feel a bit weird by just waiting, especially since I have been so busy until now. I have been looking up information about applying for a visa and I have started picking courses. Only thing is, I think the course list we were provided with isn’t really up-to-date. I feel like courses are not described well etc. I e-mailed them about it but they sent me the same one. I know the official course list is not going to be out until February, so I guess I’ll need to be making changes to my learning agreement when I arrive in Korea. But my home university told me it happens a lot and that it’s not that big of a deal.

Furthermore, the housing company has never replied or affirmed my application. They also said they would contact Bo-Jenna last week, which they didn’t. I decided to shoot them a message on KakaoTalk (most popular instant messaging app in Korea) yesterday but they haven’t replied to that either, while I can see it has been read. So yeah, don’t know what’s up. Guess they’re busy but I think it’s a bit strange. And so we wait!!

Housing Problems

December 13, 2019

Received an email from Myongji today regarding the second Seoul off-campus dormitories (the one we applied for). I now understand why they never replied to me. Myongji partnered with the housing agency, but apparently, the contract between the housing agency and the landlord is no longer available due to an internal problem. They said that if we want to stay in the building (Twin City Namsan), we have to contact the landlord ourselves and it would mean the condition of the contract (room type, cost, etc.) would be different from what they offered initially. For this reason, Myongji gave us the alternative option to stay in the on-campus dormitory. We have to decide on this quickly because we need to send the application form in 5 days.

Decisions

December 16, 2019

Myongji sent us a different application form for the on-campus housing that allows us to choose a roommate. Bo-Jenna and I discussed it and we are going to apply for a double room. It’s quite the downgrade from the room we initially opted for in Yongsan but there’s not much time to find some other place anymore without spending all my savings on rent. Location-wise it’s great; we won’t have to take public transport to go to class every day. It’s only 20 minutes by bus to Hongdae. And it’s suuuuper cheap compared to Twin City Namsan. But there’s a lot of rules and restrictions that come with living on-campus. There is, for example, a curfew, the room is super limited, probably not that many international students, just a lot of strictness. Which isn’t necessarily bad, but I would like a liiiitle more freedom to... you know... do whatever. I guess we’ll have to live with it. I’m glad we at least have a place to stay. And we do save a ton of money so there’s more room to do fun things.

University Acceptance

January 7th, 2020

Hooooray. It took a while, but I received the UAL today which means that Myongji has accepted my application. We were sent the certificate of admission and the rest of the acceptance packet by email and they will send a physical version to my home university as soon as possible. However, I was checking if all my personal information on the certificate was correct and found that they made a mistake in copying my passport number. I emailed them about it as fast as possible (which was 5:30 am for me, rip) so I hope it can be changed in time. 

Also, my learning agreement got accepted by my home uni faculty and the exam committee so I now have official permission to follow a semester abroad. I only still need to have it signed by Myongji but that will happen soon so I won’t mention it anymore.

January 8th, 2020

Myongji took care of the mistake and has been in contact with the Korean embassy in the Netherlands to verify. Everything is ok now. I was also added to a Naver Band group chat by Myongji with other exchange students where all information regarding the exchange semester is discussed. They promised to send housing updates in there as well. I’m so excited, guys!!!

As these were all the preparations I needed to do for the university app, all the next steps (visa, flight, insurance, etc.) will be discussed in a different post which you can find here. :)

[unicorns-and-pastel-dreams-blog]

Feb. 23-24, 2018

He is so confusing. So so so damn confusing. Almost midnight, Feb. 23 at our school gymnasium, he asked me to dance with him. While we were dancing, he explained yajy he wanted to end things between us because he's already tired of my attitide (I think?) but I begged him not to because I don't want him to leave me and because I love him. After awhile, he gave me a chance. I mean, he said yes to what I was asking for. He asked me, "do you want to keep it a secret?". I'm wondering why and I told him, "Your friends doesn't want you to forgive me and be with me, right?". He was just silent so I concluded, "Oh, I know. They don't want me for you.". But then, you said that it's okay if we continue it. After how many minutes, we were okay then. We took pictures together. You put your arms around my shoulder or to my waist. Heck, you even hugged me and you even kissed me in my forehead so I really thought we're okay. You even bid goodbye to me before going home and you told me that you'd text me once you got home. Of course, me being a stupid silly girl, was very happy because finallyyyyy we're okay again. However, when we both got home, you texted suddenly that you don't know what to do anymore, you don't want to continue this anymore, you don't have feelings for me anymore and that you're so sick and tired of our situation. I was speechless at first because freaking hell, why didn't you said it in front of my face while we were dancing when we're still at the school, right? I know it's partly my fault that you got tired of me but please you should've not made me happy saying that we're okay again, that you're coming back to me again if you're also going to take it back after an hour. What a dumbass. I really love you, boy. I even begged you over the phone. How many times did I asked you not to leave me and give me another chance? One last chance? But still, you didn't. You are so unfair, baby. What about me? How many chances did I gave you already? Three, four, five? Idk anymore. I even forgave you even when I found out that you cheated on me. Well, that's because I love you. All I was asking is just please let's give it another shot. I only asked for my chance, once. ONCE! But then, you still didn't gave it. How ironic. So yeah, he wanted to stop this. Okay, fine. It's already done, baby. You finished us, feb. 23, 2018, maybe 3:30-4:00 A.M. Hope you find the happiness that I can't give you. I'm gonna miss you, HVA. I love you. :)

Feb.24, 2018 // 12:49 A.M